Everytime I see you falling...

Here I am back in Texas, though now only as a visitor. Yet it's hard to separate feelings, or memories of feelings, from a place, to visit but not have those emotions evoked and recalled. I feel uncomfortable here. I try to offer myself rational advice/reasons like, hey, you know, I actually haven't drank as much water as usual, and it is 85' here. Hey, you haven't even eaten recently so maybe you're just feeling weak and uncomfortable because you haven't nourished yourself. I fear that I'll wake up here confused that I'm still down here, thinking the last 7 months was a dream... or I'll come home and everything will be messed up somehow.

And then, I knew that it's rough for some of my friends down here. I know because I lived and because I've talked to them. That's why I wanted to come down. Yes, in a sense, to swoop down and help them out and make them feel like they can make it to the end, like I desperately wanted someone to do for me. I remember that even unpacking things, even making dinner, seemed like way too much after the school day. I knew it was bad but it just seems like things are in such disarray for some of my friends. I feel a little exhausted and helpless about it, and guilty for how I'm coordinating my time to try to see them all, and guilty that I really just want to go home. Some reach out with such sadness and need for comfort. How can I deny that to people who I love, who supported me, who went through hell with me? But I'm starting to feel a little drained but what I think is needed of me... what fills me back up? Who's listening to me and my insecurities and my needs? And then I feel like an idiot for thinking that my problems now are anything to worry about it. Because I remember when they were so much I couldn't even keep from crying several times a day and crying myself to sleep. I know why your house is a disaster. I know why you have to tell him several times a phone call how much you love him and need to hear it so many times back. I know why you drink yourself to sleep every night.

I'd get down on my knees and pray... (for those who recognized the song reference in this title) if I knew who to pray to or thought it would help.