Beach retreat and baptism

So I had to west for a few reasons and decided to treat myself, since Jenn, who was in Oregon for a baptism, and Mandy were busy, to a night at the coast solo. I've spent as much time solo in the last year that I had probably in the last 8 years combined. A year ago I very rarely did anything alone. I know some people say that they need time alone to think, to recharge. I don't think that's a need of mine. I definitely realized from teaching that I do need down-time and quiet time, and I am enjoying that about working from home. Space to concentrate. Space to just be. However, I typically get more of a charge and more energy from time spent with others than time spent alone. In that way I don't consider myself an introvert, though I know I generally am. And I don't like suggestions about eating alone and taking a book with you to a restaurant. Ya know what, sometimes you just gotta own the fact that you're dining alone, and rock it. There is plenty of good eavesdropping to be done. Although, admittedly, I do find it a bit boring.

In any case, the two weeks prior I made a concerted effort to have lunch with Molly, to hang out with Julie, to try running with the FootZone group, to volunteer at PPP, to get together with Jake. And I felt like the time going to the beach would be recharging in a different way.

There was a time I create trying to recreate. And I actually think it was the start of my urge to change my life, of my depression initially. My boss Elizabeth and I had gone to a very small event in Astoria, which then I had to man myself for a few days because Elizabeth had flown to Atlanta for another event, which I was going to join once this small event was complete. On my last night, I bought some snacks and tried to find a beach where I could just sit and watch the ways. I found myself a smooth plot of sand and just sat there thinking and praying and crying and wishing and hoping and drawing in the sand for an hour or so. I've always had some idea that if I drew my name in the sand so that the waves would wash it away, the ocean would know I'd been there, and there'd be some good reprocussion of that. And if I wrote a wish, it would surely be taken to the powers that be to make a reality. But I doubt that most of my wishes from that date came true... perhaps I worded them in a way that I could say is now true. I know that I wished for my relationship to change, to have clarity in it, for it to improve. Which I suppose it did. But not as I hoped at the time, or rather not how I'd envisioned. That was June 07.

And I haven't really had the time or space to do that since. So I took myself to Yachats and checked into a little hotel. When the hotel desk staffed asked how many in the room and I replied "just one," I got a coo'ed "oh, good for you, honey! That is so cool" from the retirees working there. Uh, thanks. I guess it's by choice. I mean, I'd rather I was on a romantic weekend getaway, but hey, that's not where I am. I am single. I am alone. I am trying to celebrate that. I treated myself to a massage. I walked on the beach, sort of, mainly I jumped boulders and didn't find the long expanse of beach to stroll until later in the evening. I tried to sit there and just feel calm, wish and pray, feel like power was coming to me... like I was getting better. I didn't really feel much except... a little bored. I went to dinner at the only restaurant advertising live music nightly and thankfully there was some kind of Irish/Celtic band -- a bass, an electric guitar, a bongo drum, and a violin. I love the violin so it was nice to just sit at the bar -- the best place for a solo diner -- drink my drink, eat my crab... mixture, eat my cobbler. At the end of my stay, as I prepared to head to the baptism, I just kinda felt like... well, that was okay. Kinda uneventful. Actually kinda uninspiring. A little boring. Maybe I should've read, but I didn't feel like escaping my own reality. Maybe I should've written, which I'd planned on doing, but I just... didn't feel like it. No major insights. I didn't feel incredibly better. Just resolved, if that makes sense. Just accepting of where I am.

Cool rocks piled up

Same spot but when it was just getting stormy and this flock of 20 birds flew low over the sea.

Then I headed to the baptism of Jenn's son Ryan, which was nice. Even when Ryan's cousin Maggie, who was being announced, projectile threw up during the service. What I enjoy is that I've been to so many of Jenn's family events (graduation, wedding and baby showers, baptisms) that I know some extended family and they start to feel a little like my own. Plus there's no better way to recognize time passing than to see kids who you still hold in your mind as toddlers now in 1st grade! And reading! And able to hold babies!

Jenn's godson Andrew, son Chase, godson's twin Connor holding son Ryan.
(Andrew and Connor were just babies yesterday!)

And to realize that I've actually been friends with Jenn, Mandy, and Kayleen for over a decade. It was nice to be around people who know me, understand me, who I don't have to explain my love of "Night at the Roxbury" to because they already get it ;) I just wished they lived closer. They need to get their acts together and drag their hubbies back to Bend.

Me and my finest ladies (10+ years and I'd argue that we're hotter than ever)

And I didn't cry for over a week... so I feel like that's some progress. I keep thinking about this Trace Adkin's country song "You're Gonna Miss This." The song is actually about a little girl who wants to be grown up, then a bride who's already thinking about having a family, then a harried mother -- and she is told:

You're gonna miss this; you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around; you may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

She needs to appreciate where she is now, because things always change. And each phase in life is special in its own way, and worth appreciating and celebrating. So I'm trying to think of what I would miss about these days of mine... umm... it's not an easy exercise... but I'm trying to reframe my previous feelings about my situation and think of ways that this is actually a time that one day, maybe when I am the harried wife and mother that I currently am hoping I'll one day be, I'll think back on my ability to just sit around on a Friday afternoon and write, then paint, without any obligations, without anyone else to worry about, without any plans, with an evening ahead that I can craft however I'd like. Yeh, that's one way to look at it.