And Jesse Came, and Went

So often I feel like I've found myself in exactly this place in life -- missing my best friend and wishing and dreaming that a new friend comes along. Just as I've written lists for jobs and men I've wanted, I've written lists for friends I wanted. Naturally the qualities listed are qualities in my current dear friends: great sense of humor and ability to laugh with me (Jenn), sharp wit and attention to details (Mandy), calming presence and eagerness to try new activities (Daylyn), creativity and zest (Maria), easy going attitude (Jen), spontaneity and inviting (Kelly), gift of gab and openness (Meeshie), incredible energy and mindfulness (Christine), gentleness and giving of love (Aaron), humor and adventurousness and analytical (Richard and Jake), someone who I can talk about everything with (Elizabeth), compassion for others and service to others (all), intelligence and self confidence (all)... and someone who likes me and wants to spend time with me. :-)

I am one who prefers a small group of intimate friends. I like a friend who knows my secrets and fears and hopes and can also just shoot the shit and grab a drink or go for a walk. I miss my friends. I don't see them enough. Especially the ones who live so far away. Oh wait, that's all of them.

The last time I wrote the list properly, I had just moved to Eugene and so desperately wanted to meet a new wonderful friend. So I signed up for a class through Lane and wouldn't you know it, but there was only one gal my age in the whole class and it was Daylyn, who had also just moved to town and who is amazing and wonderful and who I shared so many good times with before she moved to Sacramento.

And now I'm in Bend, seeking out for new friends as I've sought out before. And along came Jesse. Okay, well, I did have to send her a ton of Facebook messages to get the ball rolling. Jesse and I went to middle school together and I thought that she was sweet and funny and outgoing and fun, and I wanted to be friends with her then. And maybe we were. But then we went to different high schools, paths didn't cross, and voila 10 years later we are cyberly-reunited until she invites me to her bridal shower and then we are actually reunited. And the thing that catches my mind now is what she said to me on Facebook, regarding the relationship I'd gotten out of which was that she met Adam just when she needed to the most. And I feel like I met her just when I needed someone the most.

Jesse I have always loved for her beautiful smile, her energy, her spunk and spirit and generosity of soul and care for others. She has an incredibly unabashed laugh. She's sweet and kind hearted. She loves animals and is the one to thank for Dahlia showing up in my life. And she seems unafraid to ask for what she wants, to let it be known.

There are some people you meet and just feel a connection with, chemistry, a meeting of the hearts perhaps. And I just love her already.

Their wedding was beautiful, and more like what I'd want for my own wedding than any I've seen -- it was simple, sweet, zen-like, interactive, peaceful, and so happy. And then I had the joy of having Adam and Jesse stay with me for a week before they moved to Hawaii. It was the happiest I've been in my house and for that week, life felt really really good, maybe a little perfect.

I feel like there should be more to say... because I feel more. I remember similarly feeling frustrated while writing my thesis. Thinking, I know I have good ideas. Interesting thoughts. Deep feelings. Articulations of intimacy and love and friendship that I should surely be able to get out on paper. Ways of caring for people that I could relate. But, no, this is all that comes out, this simple and sparse writing that just touches the surface of my heart. And how to get deeper?

One morning when I was supposed to be working (I can't remember how it came about that we were out there, and was Dahlia? Had I walked her and Jesse came outside? Had she just come back from yoga?), we sat at the top of my driveway in the morning sun talking. It was a warm morning and was obviously going to be a gorgeous day and we sat on my step giggling and swapping some stories. And my house felt warm, like a real home.