First Single Valentine's Day since 2003

Well, what can I say? I always wanted more, I just hoped as my last relationship would grow and deepen, and I'd have someone act how I need someone to act toward me: joyful to be with me, open, loving, affectionate, available. I want more, wish for more, wonder if I'll ever get more, wake up wanting to share my affection. So I stood up for myself, I took a leap of faith that I want more and I can have more, and I ended it. He wants to still be friends, and maybe eventually that will be possible. That I'll meet someone who can have the relationship I want to have. Bah. But I have to open my heart. And it's the only way I'd want to be in a relationship. And eventually the right guy will reciprocate that. In the past, I wasn't the one to initiate the breakup but the last few, the most serious ones, I am. Although the guy pretty much ruins it so I have to break it off because I end up sitting in my car crying to a sappy song for several minutes before going into my house and going to bed alone yet again after leaving his house. Which is no way to be. I feel like I've already been alone for months. Even though I was in a relationship. Which sucks. And he hasn't called. Since we talked Monday. It's Sunday. I'm sure he's upset too. I'm sure we'd still be together if I could've just been cool with waiting to see if ever got more serious. But ya know what, I think someone should fall in love with me just as I'm falling in love with him. Shouldn't it be at the same time? Hasn't it been every other time?
And to top it off, I got more flowers and chocolates this year, my first single V Day since 2003 (seems like a long time!), than any other year! My coworkers sent me flowers, Jenn sent me flowers. And I'm debating about going back on Match.com. Cause I guess it did get me two relationships. And okay, not with the right guys. But I tried. I tried to give each time to really feel out the relationship. And I can't regret that.

I realize that I am so much stronger now, so much more confident. I'm the best me I've probably ever been. Bah, I'm just ready for the real thing. I don't even know if I believe in true love anymore. Do I have a soul mate? If so, is that soul mate meant to be my lover in this life? How much longer must I wait? Yeh yeh, it's great to have all this space for my own growth and personal exploration. I know who I am. I know what I want. Where do I find it?

But I am blessed with good friends. Jesse and Adam and some of their friend couples went to dinner last night. My "date" was Jesse's friend John who apparently said to Jesse that I am "like a goddess" and "amazing." He's a sweet guy but not my type and I don't see us as being more than friends. But how do you communicate that without feeling completely shallow?

What to do? And am I even saying the right thing on Match? I don't want to rush into things. I'm not in a hurry to get married and have kids. I definitely feel an urge, a push (a social expectation push? an ego push?). Mainly I just want to be in love and feel loved and have someone to take on the world with.