I'm giving up on meeting someone at this point because it's just not happening. I'm almost over even being bummed about it. It just is.
And I'm off of Match.com for good, having finally had my membership end, though one guy got an email in just in time and he seemed cool so I wrote him back and we corresponded for a week. He seemed interesting, a fish researcher in Mitchell (which seemed the major downside since that's 2hrs east of here), and from the very low resolution pics he seemed cute. He's even a volunteer emt out there. He definitely had the education, and the mastery of written english in his emails, to seem like a real contender. But then he decided to drive here on a Saturday to meet me and go for a hike, and the first tip-off was how incredibly awkward he was on the phone. Very difficult to get through the logistics. Then I actually meet him in person... how can I explain this about these people I've met through Match lately? Yes they look like their pictures, if their pictures were them at their very cutest moments and taken in just an instant in time so you can't tell anything about their mannerisms, etc. He was... okay-looking... but I just wasn't attracted to him. I spent the next few hours (because we ended up going on a MUST longer hike than I intended) trying to decide if I'd even be interested in rewarding his 4-hr roundtrip drive to take me hiking and to dinner with a good-night kiss. He was definitely a good listener, and asks good questions and seemed interested, but when I tried to ask him questions about himself, the conversation didn't go anywhere, it was like pulling teeth, he say a sentence or two then nothing. And he had no hobbies that I could tell other than fishing and running. And no tv. And no music. And very slow internet. And he doesn't like talking on the phone (so how exactly would we have a relationship?). Our hike ended up being way too long for all the talking I had to do, then I felt like we should probably eat something, since we had talked about it and he'd driven all the way out here. But as we drove to dinner (in separate cars, he followed me), I was thinking man, I am so done with this. I am so over dating. I just want to go home and eat some ice cream and go to bed early. I don't even care. Not a good sign for this guy. So at the end of it, I'd a decent time except I felt exhausted from all the talking I did to carry it along. Oh and the compliment he gave me: I have a very effervescent smile. Gee, thanks, that made me feel really awkward for some reason. Nope. In fact, the next morning he called to say he got home safely and to have a good trip (I was going on a work trip to Tacoma the next day), and when I saw it was him calling my first thought was ugh, what does he want?
So I went on my work trip, and he calls yet again and leaves a message, and it was nice and if I'd been into him, I'd have been stoked. But I'm not. Sorry. I'm not! I just don't want to see him without clothes on, ya know, I don't want to hang out again. Nice guy or not. And I debated about how best to break it off. I mean, I've only been on one date with the guy so it's not like I really owe him anything, but we did email for a week and we did share some info together and I can tell he's interested (though, not that I'm conceited, moreso it's finally having some strong self-esteem again, but who the hell wouldn't be interested in me, c'mon, I'm the full package!). Anyhow, if the tables were turned, I'd want someone to let me know he wasn't into it so then I wouldn't be aimlessly calling and wondering and hoping. So then I tried to decide is it best to just tell the truth and let him know I didn't feel chemistry? Or is that too much rejection? Would it be better to lie and say I'm getting back with an ex-boyfriend? Then he'd feel like "well it wasn't me, except that I'm not as awesome as the prospect of getting back together with someone, but that's her loss" vs "why didn't she like me? Why is she choosing >nothing over seeing me again?" But I drafted the "I'm reconnecting with an ex" email and it just... didn't feel right. My gut instinct was just, as uncomfortable as it is, be honest.
But rejecting someone, especially someone who is a genuinely nice guy, isn't easy for me. I feel bad about it. So I write (selection, there was a little more chit-chat about his new job to start it off): I had a great time meeting you and talking with you Saturday. You're awesome and seem like a very sweet, genuine and interesting guy, and it was really a pleasure hanging out with you. But we didn't connect as well as I'd like and I don't think we had the spark for a relationship. I wish you all the best and hope you find much love and happiness! Good luck in all your ventures!
Because that's true for me. We had some level of connection but it's not enough for me, it's not as strong as I want, and it wasn't a physical connection/attraction either. He's someone I'd want to be friends with, if he was easier to talk to, but ya know... I struggled to not throw in the "let's be friends" but I'm just over that too. I don't want to be friends. Sorry.
His reply (selection, there was more): When i read your email last night i was surprised and dissapointed--I thought we did have the potential for a relationship to develop. Sometimes good things take time.
Hey thanks for the little lecture but I still don't want to date you. I don't get it; why the push-back? As if that's going to make me change my mind? As if I don't realize that sometimes good things take time to develop... unless you're just not attracted to the person anyhow and you don't want it to develop! If you're going to reply at all, why not just write something "okay, great meeting you. Good luck to you too." I feel super irritated by his email for some reason. I guess because I feel like it implies that I'm somehow wrong or too short-sighted, when I feel like, hey, at least I let you know, instead of being a bitch and just not responding to you and letting you keep wondering and keep calling and leaving messages. Because I think that's what most gals would've done. It's certainly the easier thing to do.
Oh, and some time in between this I hung out with Devin but honestly as just friends. In fact I met him and his buddies downtown to watch part of the Blazers playoffs.
And we passed April 20th with me single, breaking my two year streak of breakups that day.
So... then I drove over to Eugene so the next day I could ride up to Tacoma with my co-worker Cheri for a conference. I ended up having dessert with Richard that night, who I hadn't seen in almost a year, and that was really nice, although strange too. He's growing his hair out and hadn't shaved the day I saw him so he actually looked a little transient-ish. And I did remember some of his mannerisms and little quirks as we had dessert, but I no longer found them endearing. I just noticed them but had no reaction to them any more. It's just strange, I don't know how to explain it, to look across the table at someone and think wow I used to love this person. I grew up with him in many ways. And now I have no desire to do that. I'm glad it ended. I'm glad we're both where we are now. I'm glad we got to experience that time together. And that's all. And wow, how people can change. And what does that make me think about even longer term relationships?
Then, Tacoma... actually was pretty uneventful, which I guess is good. The event used to be mine but Cheri took it over a few years ago and didn't seem confident in it for a long time. Now she's got it down and that's nice to see her be so confident about it. And I felt good about my ability to just jump in there and help her out and train our new co-worker Wendy too. My boss Elizabeth was supposed to be the one going but while she and I were in San Diego, she mentioned that the event was earlier than in past years and that it was the day after her vacation that she'd scheduled awhile back. So I suggested that I go to Tacoma instead since she'd be feeling rushed and stressed, plus after all it did used to be my event so I'm familiar with it and the client. I'm also now going to Chicago this summer to Cheri's event, instead of Denver where our biggest event of the year is taking place during the exact same week, while Elizabeth and Paul are going to Denver. I know part of the reason I'm going to Chicago is that Cheri's event has gotten pretty large and she didn't have great support there last year because our priority always goes to this other event, so she bugged Paul to have more of a "power player" -- as I'll call myself -- to help her out. But I like to think the other reason is that Paul and Elizabeth trust me enough that if I'm at the event, they won't feel as worried that they are not there.So the only thing eventful about our Tacoma event was that my new co-worker and trip roommate Wendy and I figured out that not only was she a high school classmate of Richard's but also a friend of his. Haha, and she joked that they used to tease him that he was gay in high school because he never had a girlfriend.
So we then headed back to Eugene and I stayed for the weekend so I could run the Eugene Half Marathon, which I'd been training for since February (or so). And the nicest part was that Richard and my buddy Jake was in town (from Corvallis) with his girlfriend to watch some friends run too. So we all met up for dessert, and in a weird way it was like old times, except not at all. They did most of the talking (typical). And I felt much more... cynical? serious? than I used to be, at least with them. Yet there was still something so nice about being all together again, if only for an hour.
And finally it was race day! But that's for the next entry...
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