Is that what makes me restless? The season itself? I wish it was that simple.
I've been feeling restless... hmm... maybe for a really long time. But at least during the spring, which is why I was so excited about the trip to Egypt with Jen.
Maybe it's because I've gotten used to moving every 1-2 years in the past decade, and now I've been in my house almost 2 years. Maybe it's because what I've really wanted there, I've never had- a lover, a real sense of home, someone to share it with. The most home-y my house ever felt was the few months Adam and Jesse lived with me. And even then I'd be out, trying to meet people, trying to make new friends, trying to be involved in activities, and I'd come home and they'd have the fire going and be all curled up together on my couch snacking and handing with their dog Ebony and I'd think that's what I wanted for myself here, and still haven't had. In any case, I bought my house because it seemed like a good decision at the time- market down more than I ever thought (I used to never think I could afford to buy in Bend), had the money for a down payment from my settlement, wasn't sure what next step to take after the TFA disaster, just starting to date Dan and wanting to stay in Bend to be near parents and not sure where else I'd go anyhow, had been obsessed with watching home buying shows and just felt like applying my energy toward something practical (like painting, pulling weeds, building things, oh what I was in store for). So it was a good decision for me. But I bought my house because it was the best on the market I could afford at that time with the best resale potential. It's not my dream home. I never thought I'd be in it more than a few years. With all the home improvements I've made, I always have thought in the back of my head about some couple who would appreciate it one day and think it was a beautiful home. And for some reason I never envisioned myself as part of that.
It's a beautiful house! Look at it! I'm so amazed by how far it's come. I'm so thankful to have had the experience and opportunity, and help from my mom!!!
front yard before
front yard now
dining room before
dining room now
kitchen before
kitchen now
living room now
front bedroom before
office now
middle bedroom now
master before
master now
backyard before
backyard now
Some of the things I've done (Mom & I have done, my neighbor Alan and Mom and I have done) -- building the stairs, putting up gutters, building the front yard, tearing down a cyclone fence, putting in sprinklers, painting the whole interior, building a dog pen -- I didn't even think I could've done.But it's never felt like home to me. Right now Matt's little 2-bedroom apartment in Wilsonville feels more like home, even though there's nothing of mine but a suitcase and my bathroom products and jewelry strewn out everywhere. And I've been spending most of my time here since we met three months ago. In fact, I've probably only spent a total of two weeks at my house. And I have no real desire to. When I get back there, I walk in and think wow, this place is really pretty, and big. It's a nice place. And that's about it. And I miss being around Matt, and even the pesky lil dachshunds. And I look forward to being back there.
So... I want a change. I've wanted a change for awhile, felt it coming, wanted it to come.
The main piece I wanted was some wonderful guy in my life that I could see spending it with, someone who is kind, warm, loving, supportive, funny, sweet, smart, hardworking, sexy and adorable, and who loves me and treats me like I'm special and he wants to be with me. And I think I've found that person. Matt's wonderful and I completely, head-over-heels adore him. I just want to be with him. I could see myself marrying him, having a family, buying a house. I feel more relaxed and confident around him than I've ever felt with anyone. I feel like I can be myself and be accepted. We've been watching "How I Met Your Mother" and there's an episode in which the main character is matched with a 9.6 match (out of 10) to some girl, and Matt's comment at dinner was that we were a 9.6 match. We at least have quite a bit in common as far as tastes, foods, little quirks (maybe cause our birthdays are Nov 19 and Nov 20). And we both want the same things as far as having a healthy marriage and family and we've had some conversations at least that that's where we see this heading and if it wasn't, we wouldn't be seeing each other. And I want to tell him that I'd like to be the woman in his story of how he met his children's mother. But... it's only been three months and I'm scared because I know he really likes me but I'm not sure how deep his feelings are yet. I'm still trying to protect myself a little from being hurt by putting myself out there and finding out the other person isn't quite there yet, or maybe never will be. I don't know. How fast are feelings supposed to move? How fast are relationships supposed to move? How fast do I want to move?
The weekend before I met Matt, I went to Portland to see my old OSU guy friends-- Alex, Alex, Brandon, Chris... we even went to Kevin's daughter's 1st birthday. Side story: they are so funny, I haven't really hung out with them in about 5 years and they are in some ways still so much the same, same quirks, same interests somewhat. And they are still close and very supportive of each other, which is very sweet. Anyhow, hanging out in Portland, having not met anyone in Bend, thinking about new opportunities (job opportunities?) that could be in Portland, I thought yeh I could see myself moving to Portland, something different, something new, time to shake it all up since this isn't really serving me. And then I met Matt, and wouldn't you know it, he lives near Portland. It's not so much Portland itself, it's just that there'd be more opportunities here if I decide that I want to make a career change, OR even if I just want to feel more connected to my job at UO. The drive from here to Eugene is much quicker and easier obviously than the drive from Bend.So lately I've been thinking seriously about moving. And it scares the crap outta me a little, and at the same time may have gotten to be an itch that I'll have scratch (I have a little difficulty letting go of an idea once I've thought enough about it and how to pull it off- case in point, my stairs). The idea of being somewhere other than my house is exciting. I guess I could get excited about staying in my house if, say, Matt were able to move there, but that's not likely to happen given the job market.
I even had a property management guy come out to tell me how much he thinks he would rent it for. Surprisingly he quoted like $30 under my mortgage, which was a huge relief because I was afraid he'd recommend much lower, which would mean to rent out my house would be a little bit of a financial burden if I still had to be paying a chunk of the mortgage. Housing in Portland is expensive, at least the apartments I looked at.
Bah, but it's keeping me up at night, all the questions:
Is this a bad financial decision? How could I make it a good one?
Would I be able to rent my house to decent people? Would they take care of it well enough? Would they stay through their lease? Would I have problems with them?
How much should I ask for rent? A deposit? Pet deposit? A lease term? Would it be worth it to hire a property management company (though they take 1/2 the 1st month's rent for placing)?
How would I manage the money if I've read that it's better to treat that money like it's part of a business and not directly apply it to your own living expenses?
Do they mail me a check each month? To where?
And then questions about what to do with myself:
Where should I live in Portland? Close to Matt? I'm tired of making my life plans by myself but is it too soon to really try to make plans with him? And if I was single, where would I choose to go? Would I stay in Bend (I think not, I feel like that season is over for me)? Would I move to Portland still? Where else- Arizona to be near my brother who's busy in school and doesn't want to stay there? Albuquerque to be near Jenn who has her own family? California to be near Jess & Adam who don't want to stay there? Somewhere on my own by myself, which I've never and still don't want to do? Or what if Matt doesn't want to stay in Portland? Would I want to go with him somewhere else if he asked?
So do I find a place close to where he lives in Portland or not? Where would I even want to be considering that I'm not moving to be close to a place of employment and really could live anywhere? I don't want to be downtown, that's too urban, I don't want to walk out of my residence and be on the street. I want something that feels homey. I want to see trees out my windows. I actually want Matt's apartment but not in Wilsonville. Not that I would want to pay as much as his luxury apartment costs.
And then how do I afford deposits? And first month's rent? I barely have anything in savings after going to Egypt. Do I wait and try to save up a little each month until whenever in the future I could afford it, maybe 6-12 months? Do I stay at Matt's most of the time? Keep driving between his place and mine (since he pretty much only has Sunday off)? Get another roommate at my place (which I really don't want to do, especially not someone I don't already know)? Just stay at my place more often and just chill out and do more of a long distance relationship (though that's not what I want, and aside from mom & dad being in Bend, there's no other reason I want to be there, oh yeh and cause I own a house there and feel like I should be there in it)?
My gut feeling a few months ago was that my roommate Amy would move out by Thanksgiving and back to Portland and that I would be maybe then move as well. I had no reason to think that she'd be moving. She owns a house in Portland with her (mostly) ex-boyfriend that they've been trying to sell but she owned a restaurant in downtown Bend and seemed to have a life there. Then a month or so ago she texted that she was selling the restaurant and moving back to Portland and would be out by end of October. Huh, how did I know that?
Then Matt lately mentioned moving in together. Okay, we've talked about that many times in the last few months, even pretty early on, but it's always like "maybe we should talk about living together but then that freaks me out and I don't think we're ready for that." I guess that's on both ends. My fear is moving in with someone and being taken for granted, having my efforts be taken for granted, and feeling like I'm just waiting around to see if someone will commit further and want to marry me. Because I did and didn't feel that way in the past. Ugh. It's tough. I feel like through living together you do find out a lot about a person. Maybe Dan and I lived together too soon but I found out so much more quickly than I would have otherwise what a disaster he is and how wrong he was for me. But I don't want to just rack up a list of people I've lived with, because it's hard, the break-up is so much harder. My gut feeling is that everything will work out for Matt and me... but ya never know. I'm afraid to bank on my gut feeling. Cause I don't know what his gut feeling is.
Anyhow, I'm still exploring options. Jesse said to me earlier this year that we can either make decisions out of fear or love. Which is directing my thinking now? For now, I'm moving forward with plans as if I'd rent my house. I've made improvements. Amy just moved out so I'm going to repaint that room so it's not so dark. Cleaning. I've found some rental agreements to use as a model and have started typing up some of my own... Could be an interesting rest of the year...
No comments:
Post a Comment