The Waiting Game... Again... But this time...

The hardest part of this time in life, of trying to start a family, is all the waiting. Waiting to figure out when I ovulate, waiting til it's period time. Am I? Am I not? For someone who has decided that it must be a life lesson to learn to have patience, it's awful. The uncertainty, the hope, the fear of pending disappointment.

That and the indefinite negative on a pregnancy test. Does it really mean no, or does it mean too soon to tell?

So here we are, in a month that it seemed unlikely we'd be successful because I had to go to Sacramento for a week for work during the worst time (for family planning purposes) for us to be apart... And me trying not to stress about it, since stress can push back when I ovulate... And now I'm late. Two days late. And I've never been this late before. Yesterday morning I woke up at 2am excited and terrified. But the test said no. And the test today said no.

So is it because I really was stressed and that and the travel and long week of conference work pushed everything back a few days so that my period is also pushed back and I'll be starting at any time, maybe later today, maybe tomorrow? Or is it because we are pregnant and it's too early to tell yet?

I guess at this point I'll be surprised either way- if I'm later than I've ever been or if we really are about to have our lives changed forever.

That's the terrifying part- knowing that things will change in unpredictable ways. I suddenly have weird thoughts like, gee, I guess in this life I'll probably never be a motherless sex object rock star after all, I guess I won't run the relay this year, I guess I won't get to hike as much this summer and we won't fly to Europe for our anniversary or go sky diving or drink Irish car bombs for St Pattys this year. As if I was going to do, or cared about doing, most of these things. Am I ready for my identity to change? To be ever after known as a mother, as someone's mom, with everything that entails? And part of me thinks "shut up, it's fine, we're ready, don't jinx us." and part of me thinks "this is huge. And much scarier than anything I've done before (except going to Texas because now I have Matt to share everything with)."

It's also scary to get our hopes up, because in other months I have and it's been disappointing. But I know I can't dwell on fear, or think too much about it.

I'm so thankfully for who Matt is. He is already so supportive and positive and excited. He'll be an amazing support for me and a wonderful father, which is part of why I married him. The thing I'm the most excited about in having kids is getting to share that with Matt- to see his face when we first find out we're expecting, to hear the first thing he'll say when he sees him or her, to see how he interacts with our kids... I wanna have his babies :)

I'm just looking forward to having a definite answer...