Fear Set In, Already: This Will Be a Long Few Months

What am I getting myself into? I just spent the last hour reading a mutual friend's blog about being a TFA teacher in Philly and 1) I'm envious and intimidated by her eloquence and depth of thought, 2) I'm about to freak out because I seriously don't know what I'm doing. Why the hell am I doing this? It sounds SO HARD. This, I think, will by far be the hardest year of my life (yet?). It's already been frustrating, painful, and depressing. Most of the time I feel like I can handle hard, that I'm ready to take more on, that I say "bring it because finally I'm strong enough to win." But right at the moment I can't tell if I'm being defeatist or realistic but I don't want to live in struggle & hardship. I want it to be easy again for awhile. Except that I know that even if I don't do TFA, it won't be easy. It's not a time of easy for me. I've felt that. I understand that it's true. I'm so scared. I feel like I'm already failing somehow. And this woman said something about just remembering that what we do is about the kids. But I don't even know these kids. Will I care about them enough to make the sacrifices I'll need to make to succeed with them? Did my teachers make sacrifices for my success? Do all teachers make sacrifices? Are they worth making? Why do I both feel that this won't be enough, enough to help the world, enough to feel that my life made the world better, that I made a difference, and that it's too much. Texas?! I've never even VISITED Texas. I've never even WANTED to visit Texas. I start envisioning letters with my name and address saying TX. I don't know how it makes me feel. Bewildered?

I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye. I took my mentee out on Sunday, with a few siblings (I usually end up bringing someone), and I was more nervous to tell him than I have been of anyone yet. It was easier to tell my boss; I got more emotional telling my boss but I didn't feel so queasy (but maybe it was just the Hometown Buffet smell). When I told Aron I was leaving, he just said "oh." Maybe he didn't fully understand what it meant. Maybe he was mulling it over. Maybe he was just shocked and disappointed. Oh, I felt my heart resting on his little downturned face, poking his jell-o. Please may I feel something for my students; it's the only way I'll be able to do it.