What would love be without wishful thinking...

I keep thinking of this line in the Wilco song as a good blog title, and thinking about writing about where I am right now, though I'm not entirely sure what I want to say... which leads to the usual rambling I guess.

First of all, why keep writing my blog? I don't know. I don't even know who reads it. But I occasionally feel compelled to write something; the idea comes to me and just stays with me (haunts me) until I do it. Much like my home improvement projects. Geez my little inner voice can be such a nag.

Anyhow... so what would love be without wishful thinking reminds me of a few of my questions on love. 1- is there love without faith? Faith in the other person? Faith in being reciprocated? I guess there is love without faith because I've certainly loved while in doubt, because love is not reliant on reciprocity. 2- but in love, isn't there quite a bit of wishful thinking? Hope that this will not end? Hope that if it does, it will end positively? Hope that I won't be hurt again? Which is a little futile isn't it-- to hope not to be hurt? Don't mean to sound pessimistic here but I think that hurt and pain, like happiness and pleasure, are inevitable and cyclical. And in a less theoretical way, in the practical application in my life, 3- when is it okay to say "I love you" for the first time?

I know the answer is that it's different in every relationship. In the past, this thought, this "I love you" has eventually popped in my head and then loomed around me, threatening to jump out from its hiding place in my heart and head, surprising and potentially terrifying the guy that this thought is about... until... until he says it first. It's the waiting game. Why? Because I'm afraid of saying it and not being reciprocated. I'm afraid of saying it too soon and scaring him off. Which makes me wonder if he's scared off, if he'd really be the one for me anyhow. I'm afraid of looking like a fool who falls in love too quickly with men who don't really love her back. Or don't want anything more than the present moment. When I'm always wishfully thinking... that one day, I won't be living alone and sleeping alone and dining alone and caring for my pets and household alone and making big future plans alone...

It's funny, and off-topic, that I realized this week that THIS is exactly what I wanted two years ago, even a year and change ago in Tx-- to slow down. To have a house. To have a puppy. To be able to paint, and garden, and do projects. To have my relationship resolved somehow, to not feel stuck in it and so unsure of where it would go. To just... have time to think. And sleep. And feel. And not be lesson planning. Or involved in a bunch of activities. Now I have that. I have what feels like TONS of time to myself. Embrace it while you can, I reassure myself when it feels too much, because the only thing that can be counted on is change. And Maria once said to me "this too shall pass," which she meant in a different context but it is likewise true. So here I am, still working on embracing the present moment. Which is also something I asked for and wanted for myself. To not be stressing about the future, and forward planning, and getting ahead of myself, and being... in a hurry?