End of the Year Update

With the holidays, I obviously didn't do so well keeping up with my blog. Here is my year-end update for 2009.

My 28th birthday was the best in years if not ever. I have a hard time not getting my hopes up high for my birthday and then feeling like it's going to be a disappointment. This year I really wanted to go to the coast, and it actually went well! In fact, it was perfect! After seeing friends for pizza the night before and having breakfast with my mom, Devin and I drove to Eugene on our way to Newport and met up with my coworkers to have some drinks, then we crashed at Devin's parents' house. The next morning they made us an amazing pancake breakfast and we drove to the coast where Devin had booked us a great hotel right on the beach. The only downside of this was that a very windy storm blew in that night and literally all night we could hear the wind and rain against the sliding glass door, which started to leak at one point. After a Mo's lunch (of course!) and a nice walk on the typical cold, gray, windy November-on-the-coast day, we toured the Rogue Brewery (yum), sampling their beers, then window shopped downtown. Then we made our way to the Rogue Pubhouse where we watched the Ducks just narrowly defeat Arizona, though thank god they did because otherwise the weekend would have been a little depressing for some ragin' Duck fan. The next morning we saw my fav part of the coast- sealions, and had coffee at this cute place Devin's folks recommended. The whole weekend was just great. Devin gave me a very sweet birthday card, which is just what I wanted, and treated me to this whole beautiful weekend. It was so nice just to get out of town and spend some time with just my sweetie. :-)

Then Thanksgiving was immediately upon us. Without Joe it seemed so lonely but we had dessert with new friends and everyone had a nice time

December flew by. My friend Jesse is starting a women's group. Some of the intentions remind me of a women's group my friend Christine started in Eugene, at base a chance for women to come together and just share experiences, though Jesse's journey is taking her in a more spiritual direction. And while I am open to that "spiritual growth," it's not something that's ever... felt urgent or... important (not sure what the right word is). But it's been nice lately to be developing more of a sense of what I really believe and believe is possible (honestly still pretty open to most ideas). And it's really cool to see Jesse blossom and shine through this group; she is such a loving and giving and passionate person and I feel excited when I see her emails and recognize how much thought and effort she put into it. It's awesome to watch a friend's dream or vision or project come to fruition. And it's been a great opportunity to meet new women and to share my own experiences...

Which leads me to realize: I'm doing really well. This must be the healthiest I've ever been. Not just physically although sure, that's fine enough, trying to exercise in some way every day because I recognize how important it is to maintaining my sense of peace and because I want to be fit throughout my life. Ha, I joined a gym last month and had to fill out this whole intact form about why I was joining and my goals: weight loss- sure, why not a little, muscle gain- sure, why not a little, endurance- yes, strength- yes, all of it- yes, goals- umm... stay healthy, exercise so as not to feel bitchy, maybe one day run a half marathon... I'm not sure the meat-head who had to interview appreciated my laise-faire attitude toward my gym commitment. Hey, I just don't want to have to jog on ice, that's all.

More so I meant mentally and emotionally. I feel calm most of the time. Less dramatic. Less often having such rollercoaster swings. Two things made me realize this especially. One: a girl I was just starting to befriend stayed with me for a week while she contemplated leaving her husband. This is not what I thought would happen. It started during our women's group when she mentioned how unhappy she'd been for years. Unhappy, discontent? Was this not how I had been living myself the last few years? She also mentioned feeling scared to talk to her hubby when they drank, which was often, so I offered my spare room if she ever needed somewhere to go to think or stay for a night. Three days later she called crying and came to stay. In a way it was nice to have her stay because I get lonely living and working alone. Sometimes I wonder how much longer to keep that up, how good that is for me. In truth it is exactly what I wanted two years ago and 1.5 years ago-- space, time alone, time to think, quiet, solitude. But still it was nice to have someone to cook dinner with and just relax and watch a movie with. And I feel I was able to offer some good advice in light of my experiences in the past few years, not necessarily with her relationship since I've never been married, but in trying to change habits, in making goals together, in making your own goals and trying to discover how to make yourself happy. But... it was a lot of drama. Which made me realize how relatively drama-free my life is currently. Which is awesome. So after the week of her being here trying to decide if she was going to reconsile or make a plan to leave or try to separate or try to date and rebuild a relationship, I was admittedly relieved when she decided to go home. Although it sounds like that didn't work out... although admittedly I'm also relieved I don't know more about it at this point because I'm not interested in being too involved in the drama.

The second event that made me realize how healthy and good I feel is seeing an ex-boyfriend I hadn't seen him since the end of July. Even before we broke up, every time I talked to him I felt worse afterward. It ruined my whole day. If I was in a decent mood, I wasn't after talking to him. I struggle anyhow trying to figure out what the right balance is in talking to any ex's and more importantly trying to figure out if and how often I actually WANT to talk to any ex's. And this one is a manipulative narcissistic asshole who I don't want in my life. And then, I'm backing out of my driveway to take Dahlia for a run and he's parked across the street, helping his friend move into a house that the friend apparently just bought (wow, what are the fucking odds). So I went over to talk and I suppose that went well enough. What struck me was how calm and resolved I felt. I assumed that I'd eventually run into him so that wasn't the shock. The shock was just my lack of feeling, of any kind really except anger, and hurt. And I told him I think he's an asshole and that he broke my heart but I wish him the best. I don't want trouble. I don't want that drama. I don't want to have to hate you and have negative feelings toward you. I'm ready to let that go. I'm ready to let go of even the anger and the feelings that he led me on. Well I leave you in 2009. Good bye.

So there. I feel pretty relaxed most of the time. Is that because of age? Because of the past few years I've had? Because of a new birth control pill? I'd like to think all of it plays a part. Which is not to say I'm on cloud nine all the time, or that I don't get irritated, or that I don't sometimes just need to cry it out for a minute when I'm frustrated or feel disappointed. And admittedly it sometimes feels frustrating that I know what I want in my life but I see that it is not the season for that yet. Maybe soon. Maybe. But I'm 100 times happier than I was two years ago. I'm 100 times happier than I was one year ago. I'm happier than I was three years ago. And more so I'm just less dramatic feeling internally. I'm tired of being so passionate yet feeling that I'm too moody or brooding, or volitile. I haven't felt that way in the last months. Oh, and I'm trying to start meditating, not sure if it'll really make any difference to me and I haven't done it outside of my friend Jesse's Monday nights. Maybe soon. Anyhow, I'm ready to leave in 2009 the feelings and fears and worries that I am too much drama for my friends and family and lover, that I am too moody, that my moods control me, that I am volitile and a pain in the ass. Good bye to those feelings.

And yesterday was my two year anniversary of my car accident. I celebrated life by having a burger and beers with my best friend Jenn and some friends. I thought I'd do something to commemorate the date. I thought about taking myself for a treat or... doing something special. And in the end, I decided that just remembering the date and taking a moment to be present and thankful for every thing in my life, and my life itself, was appropriate.

Next post, new years resolutions?