The New Decade

Well, it's a new decade. I feel like I should write some powerful, start of the year, full of convictions blog. But. It's always disappointing to me when 1) I don't get around to making any resolutions and 2) I recognize that New Years doesn't just wipe away the old shit, it's still there, it still rears its head and reminds that the decade may change, you may even change, but that change is a process and it can be slow.

I'm tired of dreaming about tsumanis and tidal waves. I had a dream last night about that. I was on a beach with some people and I look down the beach and noticed a huge flock of birds flying toward us. And I knew that the animals always know when something is coming. The birds know. And I said that to the people I was with and told them to get ready, and yep, there is came, growing in size as it approached until it loomed stories over me. But it's happened too often maybe because my attitude was just okay, here we go. And I drew a deep breath at just the right moment and the wave hit but I wasn't disoriented, I knew how to move to counteract the power of the wave and not be slammed into the building that was right there, and on the next surge I surfaced and grabbed onto a railing on the building and knew I wouldn't be swept away and that it was going to be calm soon. So the dream symbolism says that tidal waves represent repressed feelings or emotions that are about to surface, that you're overwhelmed and stressed and anxious. One google result said: Am I blocking, denying or feeling overwhelmed by my emotions? How might I better acknowledge, accept, and feel these feelings—which often include vulnerability?

Yes, I know I get overwhelmed by my emotions. Yes, I wanted to leave that in the last decade but I guess life-long habits are hard to break. Or personality is hard to change. Or whatever it is. No, I think I'm pretty aware of what my feelings are, the feelings I'm not actually repressing.

It also said: tidal waves or tsunamis suggest a period of emotional upheaval. Anxiety, stress, and unconscious materials may be coming to the surface and affecting your daily moods. Giant tidal waves may symbolize current emotional unhappiness and psychological stress, which are threatening to destroy you. The outcome of this dream may reveal how much strength you have to "ride out" personal storms. For example, surviving the tidal wave suggests that you have enough strength to overcome challenges.
You know what? I'm sick of it though. I'm sick of feeling ruled by my emotions. Like, everything is fine enough in my life, what's with being upset? So is this a good dream because I'm surviving, because I know I'll survive? Or a bad dream because I'm apparently anxious about something or stressed about something unconsciously and I'm trying to show myself that? I don't know but it pisses me off somehow. Why can't I just be chill?

Yet I say that and I have to admit that even as I'm begging for things to just mellow out, to just enjoy this time, I'm always hoping for change. For not feeling stagnant even before I really feel stagnant. Is it a fear that I'll eventually feel stuck where I am and not know how to get out of it, so I just hope for change now? Boredom? Not enough stimulation? A decade of changes every few months-- new places to live, new relationships, new classes, new projects. Am I just used to being in a constant state of change and upheaval that it's now what I secretly am addicted to?

So the new decade started out well. But lately I just feel so lonely. I'm sure it would help if I didn't work from home. I'm sure it would help if I didn't live alone. I get that. It's like... life loneliness. Like I feel like all these other people I know have someone to rely on, someone to make plans with, someone to trust and love and be loved by and share their life with. And I have... a boyfriend who some nights would just rather watch the Blazers than spend time with me. I have no partner. And I'm not trying to rush things, cause look how well that went. I feel like I've been ready for a partner, a real true partner, for quite awhile.

It's just hard. To know ways in which I want my life to be where it isn't now, and having no control over the pace of that. Yes, and I know that for many years, I wasn't ready to get married. I thought, wow we are just so young for this. And now I suddenly feel so old. And I was thinking as I was cross-country skiing the other weekend: this is my fabulous and wonderful life, sarcastically at first but then I remembered, no, I did want a life that was a little different. Maybe I wanted a life that was a lot different but never had the balls to join the Peace Corps or teach abroad (yet?). But yes, I wanted my life to be different and fabulous. And it is, in ways. Honestly I saw a couple leave the gym the other day babes in tote and I thought, thank god I just have Dahlia at home waiting for me and it doesn't matter how long I'm on this treadmill. So okay, I'm still not ready for kids. But I also have never had anyone else to help me out, to rely on, to make me feel like it's not just gonna be me alone taking care of my own shit for as long as I can see. Maybe I'd feel differently about it if that were the case.

I just feel unsatisfied. And in some ways I try to think, okay let's make sure I'm coming from a place of confidence and strength. And I realize that I'm not the insecure girl I used to be who would beg my guy to tell me something sweet. I don't NEED to be told I'm beautiful to believe it. I know it's true. I just want to know that he's aware of it, and appreciates that. I don't NEED to be told I'm loved all the time, but I do need to be shown it. And that's been pretty skimpy lately.