One option we discussed was him finishing the bachelor's degree he's been working on online for several years while he worked full-time. I think this was another thing he did because his ex pushed him into it. I don't really care if he has a degree or not. I did what was good for me in my life at that time. He needs to do what serves him best. And as long as he can be supportive and loves me and treats me well, that's what matters. So we're working through how he could go to school full-time, and maybe work part-time, once he moves in.
What's funny to me about this relationship with Matt... I just really speak my mind so much more than I ever have. I'm really pretty frank about some things. And things I might not have said before, or might've danced around, I'm much more straight-forward with now. Okay, there's still some things that I find difficult to bring up and discuss. But I just feel so much more confidence in myself. I don't know if that's a testament to me (growing in not only age but also wisdom) or our relationship or both. I also would say I have your influence to thank for that. Seriously. I'm truly, truly grateful for you for that. Okay, it took some time, a year ago it was effort for me just to say what I wanted to do for my birthday!
Anyway apparently it's different enough that after a long convo with my coworker Katie (the uber christian one who has really, really conservative views on dating/relationships), during which I even talked about Matt moving in with me (which I felt a little awkward discussing cause I know she doesn't agree with that but I just decided I don't really care), she actually hugged (while jumping up & down as we were walking) and told me she was so happy for me and happy that I sound like I'm really holding to what I want and demanding the best for myself. Whoa. I felt like I sounded strong, but it's nice to know that it really does come across.
It's strange. I feel inklings of the same old stress, but in such a calmer way. Like one of Matt's texts that seemed up in the air about moving that I got while I was in Arizona on a business trip and at dinner with my clients. And I almost wanted to go to the bathroom and feel insecure about it and like "oh no, now he's undecided and maybe he won't move to be with me and maybe I'll have to keep driving blahblahblah" and then I just thought no, I'm not gonna do that. I'll stress about it later. Or not at all. If he doesn't want to move, fine, we'll work something else out. And if I feel pissed about the compromises I'll have to make if he wants to sell again next summer, then I either won't make them or I will get to a place where I'm not pissed. I can't even really predict how I'll feel at that time. And now I'm going to ignore him and his waffling and get back to dinner. It mostly worked :-)
I guess I've just been through enough to realize not to get too far ahead of myself, and deal with emotions when it's the time to deal with them. And if this is meant to be, we'll make it work and I'll want to do what it takes and feel it's worth it. And if not, that will suck and eventually something else will come along. But I think this will work :-)
And when I came home from that trip, he'd talked with his boss and told him that he really is leaving, he wants to finish his degree, he wants a fresh start in a new city and with me. I guess his boss was more receptive this time. It was good. I said come whenever but make sure that's what you want to do and what you're ready for because that's the only way it'll work, and he says that's what he wants to do and he doesn't feel pressured and he's looking forward to it.
So... then it's just a matter of when. I told him, right away. I have the house, what's the rush. But in order to get his 2wks paid Christmas break, he needs to work til at least Jan 15th. So we're now trying to sell his car and sublet his apartment for the remaining two months of his lease, and get him moved to my place. Then of course, right when he made the decision to move and gave real notice, he found out his degree he'd been pursuing is no longer available online. So now what? A different degree? In what? To do what? Or work?
Then our birthdays. His is the day before mine (Nov 19 & 20). I felt like that was a good sign, and when we first discovered it on our "first date," he said we could celebrate "our birthday" together, so that's what we've always called it. We ended up having to do "three nights of birthday" because the gift he wanted was NBA Jam the PS3 game came early in the mail, and Matt apparently has to have a secret out once he knows it or has to have his gift once he knows it. So he got his gift two nights early. And he also insisted on giving me my gift early- a beautiful pair of earrings. He'd seen this pair of fake diamond earrings and decided to get me a real pair. They feel so elegant and beautiful and I wanted to do something else special for him so I thought I'd take him to a Blazers game. He's gone a few times with work but since he loves basketball, I thought it'd be fun for us to share. But the only games were either the night before his birthday or on mine. And it was great, good game, he was so sweet and bought me a Blazers t-shirt and we got some of his favorite bbq at a stand at the Rose Garden. The night of his birthday he actually just wanted to stay home and relax so we ordered a pizza and just chilled.
On my birthday, he'd already given me my gift. It was a Saturday but he's pretty much worked every day but Sunday since I've known him. I slept in and I think I was just hungry but I felt a little bummed out. I could've called some people I know in the Portland area but just felt like I needed to take some time to myself on my special day of the year. And once I ate, I felt better. It's interesting about getting older and actually realizing what I need and how it plays out. And I've been emailing Jesse, who's down in California, and that's been really nice. I actually wrote her a long email on my birthday and thought about my relationship with Matt and how I'd already told him "I love you" without that being reciprocated yet. I wrote Jesse I want to tell Matt- I already know we'll work out. The psychic told me in Feb. My gut tells me. It's fine. I'm not going to stop loving you. I know you say you just realize how miserable you'd been for ten years and this is just such a change that you're still getting used to it. But how can you have to get used to being happy? Isn't that what everyone gravitates toward? Shouldn't that just come naturally and easily? Anyway, I know he cares (loves?) me and I feel that more than I have with anyone than Richard (after we'd been dating years). He's very caring and considerate and just sweet. And he bought me some beautiful diamond earrings for my birthday, seriously nicest gift I've ever gotten from a guy. So I've just decided, be patient, enjoy the sorta-slow progress of this (even though we've only been dating about 4mos and he's planning to move in with me, so I guess that's kinda fast), and pour out my love. I'd read a quote once that said "This is the hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love, and keep modest as a giver" (Nietzsche) and I'd think, yes, that's it, keep modest, keep some back. Now I just think, no, if I give out my love the way I want, and Matt doesn't reciprocate or he feels "smothered" like others in the past, then he's not for me. I don't want to have to hold back. I just am going to do what feels right to me. Oh yeh, and the last week, for pretty much the first time... I'm starting to think I truly do want kids in the next few years. Weird. I'm seeing baby stuff and thinking about how wonderful it'd be to hold my baby all cuddly in some outfit. YIKES! Seriously that's a first for me. I really like that Matt wants kids and is excited about it. I can just tell how wonderful and supportive he'll be.
And I was feeling a bit sleepy still in the afternoon when Matt got home but like a bolt of sunshine, he picked me up and cheered me up. He'd just gotten a new iPhone, which I'd been eyeing although I just got a new phone this summer, and had been trying to talk me into getting one. So on my birthday, he took me out and, although he'd already given me an amazing gift, bought me an iPhone and we signed a plan together... oooooohhhhh! :) Then he took me to dinner and movie and it was absolutely perfect. I'm so happy.
For Thanksgiving, we'd decided to go to Bend, and go to Idaho to spend Christmas with his family. Matt met my parents on the one weekend he was able to come visit me, and Joe when he was home for fall break and in Portland. My parents were awesome as usual and made a delicious spread. And my sweet guy ran a 5k Turkey Trot with me. I've never ran a race with a sweetheart and it was awesome. He hasn't been running at all but ran with me the whole time and we crossed the line together. Ahhh. I was a little nervous about the weekend, wondering if we spent a weekend at my house if he'd think "I can't see myself here, I can't live here." But just the opposite! He's excited to move and to be there. He's excited to help me re-decorate. 
I'd told him "ya know, I decorated this place as a bachelorette house, a place for myself because I didn't have someone to share it with. Even when I tried, that guy wasn't really interested in that, it's like he was just looking for a place to crash. So I'm willing to repaint, I'm willing to change things, because what I want is to share this with someone, with you." We took a daydreaming trip around Home Depot and he said sometimes he feels like he's just a little in shock about how exciting this all is and how happy he's been. I feel the same!
We decorated my lil fake tree.
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