He's just awesome. He's sweet and funny and kind and thoughtful and smart. He's everything I want in a guy. Okay that he's Mormon still is odd for me because I just have my own spiritual beliefs but I know that is something that is fine. I wanted to be with someone who had some faith. And we'll see as the years goes on how that plays out and it'll be interesting. And I'm not crazy about the fact that he's been married before. But I've lived with people, I've shared a bank account, it was and very much wasn't like marriage (at least like how I'd want marriage to be but maybe how some marriages are). On the afternoon of Tuesday, December 14th, I was just writing Jesse I wish we could've met sooner though but maybe it wouldn't have been the right timing for us. I think at any point in my life I would've been interested in him, which I never would've said about others I've dated. And as much as it does bother me that he was married before (even with my understanding that even the wedding itself was much different than it'd be with me), I see how open he is in his communication and how forward-thinking about issues and it's really nice and refreshing and how I want to be, and he wouldn't have that perspective having not experienced that relationship. He seems to have really learned some things from that relationship, and he's told me before that he now really knows what he wants and he will never settle again.
And we've talked about engagement. In fact, we started off our relationship serious in the sense that we agreed we weren't interested in just dating for fun, but if we were going to be in a relationship it was because we both saw it going somewhere and really wanted that. He's joked too that he felt like he knew it was "love at first sight" for me anyhow. He's right. There was something about him that, even though I could think of reasons to rule him out of Mr. Perfect, I just wanted to know him and be with him. Anyhow, just before Halloween when he'd emailed me a link about the NBA Jam PS3 game he wanted as his birthday present, I'd partially-jokingly emailed him a photo of a diamond ring as what I wanted. But we only discussed it briefly. But yes I'd have said yes if he'd asked for our birthdays, I knew then. Then a few weeks ago he asked me how long I'd like to be dating before being engaged and what my dream wedding would be like-- I said I feel like all relationships have their own timing but I've always, since I was young, thought that I'd meet the right guy and just know, right away, very soon, and be engaged within a year. My dating experience certainly didn't set me up to believe this was realistic, and I struggle with my thoughts on how realistic this is, but I still stood by, when I know, that's when it's the right time. And when I asked Matt, he'd said he'd been thinking about it a lot lately but that he should probably tell me he loves me first. That came a day or so later :-)
Anyhow I'd been thinking about marriage lately but decided to wait to talk about it until he brought it up. I thought about mentioning that I'd tried on my mom's ring that's a size 5 and that it was too big but decided to wait til he brought it up. I'd try not to look into jewelry stores as we passed by and assumed he'd mention something when he was ready. On Dec 13th when we were getting a mocha in the Bridgeport shopping area, I sorta-jokingly said "oh look, it's the 'He got it at Jared' store," just to see what his reaction was, if he'd say "oh we should go in there sometime," or "what do you want from there," but he said nothing. Okay, poor timing on that remark. Anyhow it's not like I'm in a hurry. It's just that once I've met this awesome guy who I really want to ask me, I want him to ask me :) It took me years to get to that feeling about Richard and I still had reservations about whether or not he and I would want the same things or have a really healthy relationship. I never felt that way about anyone else, that I was ready to be asked. But I didn't want to rush anything, have Matt feel pressured in any way to move or make any action. Plus I figured it would be a little while for an engagement. I still haven't met his family (Christmas). We still have to move him out of his apartment and into my house. We still have to redecorate. It's not even been a year yet since he separated or divorced. I just figured at the earliest maybe he'd propose in the spring. Which would be great! Or maybe later. The more important thing is that he's moving to be with me so we can be together and just keep sharing things and sharing days and enjoying each other.
I also wrote that day (Dec 14): All day yesterday I just kept thinking "I have to tell Jesse, 'you were right, it was worth the wait.' " I'm just so happy in the relationship and in love, it's so great. I've never felt this way for someone because always in the past there's been at least a tinge of un-healthiness, something that was wrong and nagging. I don't feel that way with Matt. I feel insecurities but I know they are mine and actually are contrary to what he says and does, but I know that's normal and a lot of it has to do with just feeling more tired and outta shape lately.... Okay, I'm just going to say this while also acknowledging that the future is always uncertain and changing but my gut tells me that we'll be married next year. I know it sounds soon but I just keep thinking that. We'll see if I'm right ;) This was around 4:30-5pm.
Matt had the day off. Since we met on July 30th, he's had about three weekends off. One of those we went to Boise for a football game. One of those he came to visit me in Bend. And Thanksgiving. Otherwise he's had to work almost every Saturday, has occasionally had a Friday off, and just keeps being told "well you're getting 2wks for Christmas." That's only an incentive if you don't get all your Saturdays until then taken away. Bah. So he was finally burnt out enough to ask for an extra day off. They gave him Tuesday. All the senior tech guys were secretly getting Monday off. Uh huh. Glad he's leaving even if right now the future does seem so insecure. So all day he was kinda puttering around, working on his computer, going through some boxes to start getting ready for the move, he ran a few errands (had said I still had a Christmas present coming so I figured maybe he was shopping for me)... And I didn't think much of it. Plus I was really busy with my work day. Just because I work "from home" doesn't mean it doesn't take a lot of concentration some days.
And we had some logistics conversations about selling his car, and potentially selling my car and getting something together. That's the only thing that I've felt hesitant on. My cars have always felt like symbols of freedom to me, freedom to go wherever you want. Especially this car, which I bought just before moving to Texas. It's like the symbol of a new start. My first car that I really owned and that I bought myself. But I know I didn't want to tie too much into a vehicle. Mainly it was that I was worried that if the relationship failed, even while Matt was giving up so much now, I might be without a car. Which I said to him. We've had this conversation a few times and it has always ended by us both saying that we didn't see it going that way and we saw us working out. But that was something that worried me.
As I was writing this email to Jesse, he told me that he needed to go help his boss move a bed but that when he came home, maybe we could go to dinner. We'd just gone to BBQ the night before because I'd been craving it, so I said "oh we could just make something," but he said "nah, let's go out, I'll take you somewhere nicer tonight." Okay. So I decided to get dolled up a little more than usual and curled my hair while he was out. He came home, and as I was still getting ready, was trying on a pair of dressy pants and a dress shirt and sweater vest, passing it off as "oh I just haven't worn this in awhile, I was just curious if it still fit." I thought, well that makes sense because he's planning to move and maybe wants to go through some clothes. He decided that since he had that on, maybe he'd just wear it to dinner. "Well I should wear a dress or something nicer than jeans," I said but oh no no, he said jeans were fine especially since I'd worn a cute new dress the night before while he'd worn jeans. But no, I figured if he's dressing up, I'll dress up too and this would be a good time to wear the purple shirt dress I bought in Houston and hadn't worn for him yet. Foot in my mouth #1- I joke that someday he'll have to take me somewhere really nice (thinking, like, the Portland City Grill) even though I don't really care about going to fancy places and spending that much on food.
He took me to the Olive Garden for dinner, which we've been to before and we both like, and the only thing that seems off is that he doesn't look at the dessert menu right away or order dessert. He mentions getting a mocha at this cafe where we've gotten mochas the past two nights so I thought maybe he wants a mocha for dessert instead. And he seemed a little antsy to get the check but nothing noticeable. He told me how beautiful I looked (yeh I really "brought it" that night, not to brag), but he's usually sweet and complimentary. He looked so handsome in his shirt, it was slightly butterfly collared, and his sweater vest. So everything was just good and nice, except that I blah-blah-blah'd about all kinds of stuff. He'd asked me over dinner if I'd ever been to the Portland Waterfront (not sure, I think for a brewfest? or Sat Market?) and if they had Christmas lights up (not sure, he must be feeling festive and wants to be in the holiday spirit). So when he turned the wrong way out to the parking lot (not that I'd have noticed if he hadn't have said so) and was heading north on I-5 and said "well do you want to see if there are lights up on the waterfront? We might as well," I thought yeh sure, why not.I really don't know where we're going and he started to pull into a dark parking lot just off the street as it's going into downtown. It had been pouring when we left his apartment and this parking lot is right underneath an overpass and it's lit well enough but still kinda dark and drippy wet and there are a bunch of bums. Foot in my mouth #2: I jokingly say "oh yeh pull into this creepy parking lot" thinking maybe he's just turning around, and having this weird memory of this sketch parking lot that the bus we were taking (hoping was taking us) to the Egyptian desert pulled into. And then he parked. Oh, we really are getting out here. Now I was kicking myself a little for not taking my jacket even though he'd asked if I wanted to bring one when we left the apartment in the pouring rain. Nah, we're just going to be inside, I thought, plus I only saw my sporty jackets that didn't go with my dress and heels. I almost was onto something when I was trying to decide whether to take my purse with me or leave it in the car and as I walked around to his side, trying to decide whether to just throw my purse back in the car or not, I noticed he jerked a little and seemed to stuff something in his pocket, which I assumed was chapstick.
So we walked hand-in-hand on the riverfront. It was pretty chilly and there was some wind coming off the water, we were both shivering. There were a few, or maybe one, people walking also but they seemed more in a hurry to get somewhere than just strolling. We saw a crew boat with lights on it and the coxman yelling to row pass us on the water. I think Matt was expecting more lights and there really weren't any. We were staying into the dark water and across to the darker side of the river, but the city lights were just north of us and we turned to walk south and found the end of the path in a little overseeing platform that faced a lit Christmas tree. There was a set of observation binoculars and I wished I had some change, and wondered what exactly you'd be able to see in there. So we looked out for a minute and I thought, this would be a nice place for a proposal one day, and that was about it. I wished there were more lights because I thought maybe he was disappointed.
We were both cold so he suggested we walk back to the car, but then he didn't seem to be moving. So we hugged and shared a few smootches... And he told me he loves me. And how wonderful the past few months have been. I tend to be the more on-the-line sharer so I admitted that they've been the best and happiest I've ever had. He said "well I hope you don't have to worry anymore." And I wondered what he meant, about the car? But before I could ask, he was pulling out of our hug and getting on his knee. WHOA! was my thought. Is he proposing right NOW? Is this IT?! And the wind was picking up a little so I had to hold my dress down from blowing around since he was now kneeling in front of me. I almost wanted to ask "what are you doing? Are you proposing?!" because I was just so surprised. Wait, is this really it?! I suddenly felt like I needed a second to register it. I've thought about what this moment would be like most of my life and all of a sudden it's happening. But thankfully this time I kept my mouth shut :) Because yes, he was proposing. He pulled a box out of his pocket as he asked "will you marry me?"
I was shocked and surprised and so happy and just shouted "YES!" And it was sort of a blur. I hugged and kissed him and I think I asked "really?! When did you decide this?!" because I knew he'd thought about it a little but I had no idea he was going to propose then. And what was in that box?! "I've been thinking about it for awhile," he said, and asked if I wanted to see my ring. Well, sure! It's so beautiful! Obviously he picked it out himself. He tried to remember the picture I'd emailed him but he picked one even prettier than I'd seen. I've never properly ring shopped, just sneaked peaked when my mom got her ring cleaned, or checked out other girls' rings, and once tried a few on with my mom but I've never seen anything I really liked. I feel like I'd have shopped for a long time to pick something, and not in the price range he was looking in. And though it's probably not appropriate to say, I had told him I just hoped that my ring would be bigger and better than his ex's.
I know that's really petty but I don't know why it mattered to me. I just didn't want to feel like people would see my ring and think "oh man, wife #1 was more demanding obviously." I got so used to settling with others, I might've settled for a wood ring, no, probably not. Anyhow, as stupid and mainstream as it sounds, I wanted people to see my ring and think "wow, he upgraded on everything" or if we ever run into her (again) for her to think "dang, I really missed out and messed that up." Suffice it to say, he listened to me and my ring is so pretty. And much bigger than anything I ever thought I'd want. But I love that he picked it out. It's really one of the prettiest things I've ever seen and it almost makes me emotional looking at it because I never thought I'd have something so nice, I never thought someone would ever want me to have something so nice and actually get it for me. Not that the size of the ring = amount of love or amount of commitment, but it doesn't hurt (and in our society, that correlation is hard not to make). Only problem was... it was about a size and a half too big.We walked back to the car, him exhausted now and wanting to go home and relax, me feeling like I'd just chugged ten cups of coffee and so excited and still so surprised. When had he gone ring shopping? When did he get this? Did anyone know- did my parents know? Did his family know? Was he planning on tonight? How long had he planned it?
I'm still not sure how long he'd thought about it, or if there was some moment when he thought, okay today is it, except that he finally had a day off. But he'd (sign of the times) emailed my parents that morning to ask for their blessing. I told him good thing it was for a blessing (which I think is sweet) and not permission because I'd always said that it's modern days and I'm the one who gives permission. And my mom apparently was using her computer and saw the email right away and my dad hadn't gone to work yet. So when I thought Matt was running errands, he'd gone to that same Jared's and picked out a ring, though he says he'd been looking for awhile. And he didn't really help move a bed, he was going to pick up the ring because they'd finished placing the diamond he picked into the setting he wanted. He'd wanted to wait a little closer to Christmas, he'd thought about waiting until Idaho. His mom wanted him to wait so she could help pick out a ring (which is sweet considering she's not yet met me). But he said once he had it, of course, he had to give it to me right away, that night, he was too excited. Which is so sweet and so him.
The next few hours (in fact about 20hrs for me), we had very different energy levels. He was exhausted, having been so excited and nervous and anxious all day. I was super charged (with adrenaline?) with a nervous excited stomach and so much energy, I barely slept that night while he immediately fell asleep. I'd called my parents and brother, and texted Jennifer, and emailed Jesse to call me the next day after she read my emails because I thought it was so funny I'd just written to her about feeling like we'd be married next year. And the next day was a blur of trying to work, and spread the word, and get my ring sized correctly. And adjust to the fact that... Matt is now my finance. The man I love is my finance. We're getting married. It's actually happening.Two (potentially coincidental) sidenotes: sometime last winter 2009-10, might've been around my birthday 2009 I can't quite remember, I was on the phone with my friend Jenna late at night and she'd been upset and drinking (she's now sober). But she prophetically told me she thought I'd be married in the next 2-3 years, definitely by 2012. She said she's been right about other people before, could never see anything about her own life, but she saw me married and being so happy. Then the psychic reading I had on Feb 22... she did tell me that I'd meet the man within a year and that my angels and her cards were telling her I'd be married. She even said the name Mathew as maybe his name. She said we might've known each other in another life, maybe teammates or something like that, so that we'd feel close to each other in this life. We were teammates in this life, that's how we met! Anyhow, strange that Feb 22, the day I got my reading, was I think the day that Matt was in the hospital for a kidney stone while out of state on a business trip, and his ex's unresponsiveness and lack of concern was the catalyst for their breakup the next day when he got home. Odd timing eh?
I had a good feeling about Matt from the beginning, I'll admit now. I kept feeling like I was going to meet someone running, I was on higher alert anytime I went running along the river that summer, wasn't sure why I thought that. I also thought the relay would be a good place to meet guys and thought well maybe that's how I'll meet him, at least I'll know he's active and healthy and likes some of the same activities I do. And the story also goes... I'd emailed some guy a few months before on eHarmony because his pics looked like they might've been from this relay I'd just signed up for. He ended up being one of the race directors that I met the night before the race and we had some awkward convo about this and I was glad he'd never emailed me back. When I told Sandy, our team coordinator, about the interaction, she said "wait, you're single?! I have a guy for you. His name's Matt and he's on our team in the other van. You'll meet him tomorrow." I thought, well how does she know I'd even like this guy? Every other guy on our team is like 45 y.o. But I also thought, hmmm Matt is a nice name. That sounds right.
The next morning when I was running the first leg of the race, I'd forgotten my iPod so had time to think and said a prayer that if this Matt guy was the one, because something about it felt really interesting, that I get a sign. Something I'd recognize. When I first saw Matt, we were stopped at the first handoff between Van 1 and Van 2 and he walked up with Zoey in his arms and I thought wow, he's just as cute as I thought he'd be, maybe cuter. Just as cute as I'd hoped. Yep, that was my first thought. Then I spent the next two days trying to be near him whenever possible and talk to him as much as I could. The next night after the race had ended, as we were on our first "date," which consisted of a post-race burrito and a lot of sitting in his car in Summit High School parking lot where the race had ended (first kiss in that parking lot ;) and it was really good), I told him I felt very comfortable around him, like I'd known him longer than a day. "Well maybe you'll go on your trip to Egypt and find out we knew each other in a past life," he said. What had he said, know each other in a past life?!, that's what the psychic had told me, was that my sign that I was supposed to recognize? And I figured if I thought it could be my sign, it probably was. Maybe that's not the best or rational or logical way to go into a relationship with confidence, but I've been learning a lot about faith this year, and trusting my gut, and hey so far I'm proving myself right. And I couldn't be happier. I really do feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I have this great relationship that's better than any I've ever had, so loving and open and positive, with this amazing guy who I totally adore and who I have a lot in common with, particularly that we want a family life together. And I just couldn't be any happier! FINALLY! Okay, and yes, it was worth the wait.
1 comment:
Post the video of the wedding!
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