And then I went and stressed anyhow...

So when trying to start a family, one is not supposed to stress, since it could take some time. But how can I not when it will be so huge and life-changing when it happens, and it's such a long, drawn-out process? I've never been a patient person anyhow. This is hard. And I didn't even think I'd be emotionally-invested yet... but how can I not be when I'm waiting for the moment that I know our lives will be changed for the rest of them?

I was planning to take a more carefree approach. But then I find myself feeling excited thinking maybe we succeeded this month... and then feeling very disappointed when that's a negative. I surprised myself by how disappointed I felt. I'm gonna chalk that up to hormones... But it really makes me feel terrible for couples who try to get pregnant for years. That must be so discouraging and a little heartbreaking each month to find out your family plans are yet another month out.

It's just so much waiting... waiting and hypothesizing when the time is right, waiting to find out, waiting to see if it was just too early to see, waiting to see if I'll feel something different... And I know, logically, that it could/probably will take some time. My head knows that.

But then there's also this other part, that only really says anything at around 3am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep, that thinks "whoa, this would be huge. Maybe it's okay if it's not time yet. Maybe it's okay if it's not this week but next week. Maybe I still can't imagine how I'll truly feel and react when I know it's a sure thing." What is that about? Is that like baby-making cold feet? Geez I didn't feel that getting married... and that's huge and life-changing but I was just so excited to be married to Matt (and happy now to be).

I just keep trying to have some faith that when the timing is right, it'll be. And until then I don't need to stress or overthink it. I read some quote online that this woman used whenever family asked her when she and her husband were going to have a baby. She said something like "well there's three of us that have to agree on the timing, and my husband and I are on board..." The third was God in her case. But it's weird when people start asking me about it, friends, family, my bosses... because we only told family, and a few friends, that we were going to start trying so how does work know? And then it's just this drawn out thing and people are asking "so.... anything NEW with you?" I don't know. Maybe. Maybe there's something huge and life-changing. Maybe I felt like there were some indicators. Maybe not. Then I feel a little uptight and could use a beer or glass of wine to help me relax but dang it, better not, just in case... It'd be nice if it was just very clear from the first moment. Ahh life's great huge surprise.