What I Know About Love

The Best Relationship/Love Advice I Received: Just because this is the best you've had so far... doesn't mean it's the best that's out there for you, or the best that's possible. You have to be brave enough and have enough faith to be patient for the relationship you really want. And it will find you. ~ Jesse

A year and a half ago... two years ago... maybe I would have given different advice about love. I hope not, but maybe. I'd like to think I've had enough experiences by now to give good advice. Two years ago, after all the disappointments of the past and dating and trying to find someone awesome, I was in a relationship that seemed to be pretty good. Nice guy. He had a nice family. He had a decent job. We liked a lot of the same things. He was sweet and funny. We had fun together. But... but... There was a "but." But I wished he was just a little more ____. Insert "attentive," "mature," "sure," whatever else. Things were fine, mostly. He was the best relationship I'd had. I felt so much healthier with him than with anyone before. I told Jesse, "but he's a great guy and this is the best relationship I've had..." to which she replied "just because this is the best you've had so far... doesn't mean it's the best that's out there for you, or the best that's possible."

I am beyond grateful for her advice. It's true, at the time, I didn't want to break up with him. And he never really did anything to warrant it. Things were fine between us. Sure, I wished they were better but it's not like there was a problem. Except I just wanted... more. I wanted someone (honestly) just like Matt. And in the past, in my other relationships, I clung to them as if the more time and love I poured into them, the better they'd eventually be. I thought, if it's not broke, why ditch it? Why would I want to be out there, single, lonely, wishing I had someone, when right now I do have someone? It's scary to let someone go. And it hurts. And I missed him. And I second guessed myself.

But let me tell you... it is worse to be with someone and have doubts than to be alone. Okay, yeh, being alone sucks. I cried myself to sleep plenty of nights, wondering when I was going to meet someone, when was I going to get my true love story, when was I going to fall in love and have him love me and get married and do all that, when was it my turn... But that was surprisingly easier than pushing down those feelings of doubt, of frustration, of insecurity, when I was with the wrong person.

You can have the relationship you want. You just can't have it with whomever you think you want to have it with, or whenever you want it. Can you find the perfect person for you? I think you can. Or at least you get so close, that the things you thought would matter, don't matter. The things I thought would be deal breakers, aren't. Some things bother me, some things I wish were a little different, but I know that Matt is the best match for me, that the connection we have is so special and is exactly what I always wanted even before I had the experience to know what I wanted, that the rest of that stuff doesn't matter.

When we first kissed, I did think "this could be my last first kiss." And maybe other times that seemed a little terrifying like "wait, maybe I'm not sure if I'm ready for a last kiss. To never fall in love again with someone new. To never again have the first date. The first night together. A new 'how we met' story to tell." But kissing Matt I just thought "Thank GOD! If this is my last first kiss, I'm going to be a very happy woman with this man." And in falling in love with Matt, I never thought "it's not that I want to be with someone else necessarily... because I remember that I was unhappy being single..." I thought "I don't even want to be with anyone else. I am so thankful I found Matt. I'll never be with anyone else" and I felt joyful about that.

So how did I know? I think it was past experiences (figuring out what I really wanted in a partner) and age. I'm so glad I waited. I'd encourage anyone to wait until they're at least 28 to get married. Thankfully I didn't marry who I was dating at age 21. I think people change so much in their mid-20s...

But also it was being clear on the relationship I wanted, both in being clear on who I wanted to draw into my life and in how I talked with him about what I wanted. We were very honest and open with each other about what we were looking for and what we wanted our future to look like. If we had extra money, how do we prioritize things? Are we savers or are we splurgers, or both? What sort of lifestyle do we want? Where? What sort of house? How much do we need? What do prioritize- home, travel, both? How do we feel about our parents getting older and would we care for them? Do we want to have traditional gender roles or how might our relationship look? What about the division of household labor? How might we handle different situations with children? How will we practice spirituality/religion? ... A friend of mine said she read a book called 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married. Matt and I are compatible in the ways we know we'll have to be in the future.

Sure, I was a romantic in the past, and naive. And I thought a few times "this could be the guy I marry. He's cool. I could totally marry him." But if push had come to shove, would I have married Richard? I'm not sure. I had doubts. And I think to a degree both he and I were trying to protect each other's feelings by staying together, thinking someone the other couldn't sense it. At least he did that. And I could always tell he had doubts, and had one foot out the door, even when he pretended it wasn't true. We weren't doing each other any favors by staying together. Was it wasted time? Sometimes since I thought so but I'd say no. I learned from it. I just wish I hadn't taken it as seriously. That I'd taken it for what it was- a college romance, a practice in figuring out how to be with someone and what I really wanted and how I wanted to be, how to work through issues as a couple, how to be a partner and how he wasn't able to be the partner I wanted. I wish I'd known then how much better it would be in the future with Matt. If I'd just have given it the time and patience and clarity of thought and faith to wait for Matt and I to be ready for each other.

At least I finally met him. And things are awesome :)