Better In Time

(a song I'm obsessed with currently, by Leona Lewis)

Everyone says it'll get better. Okay. Give it time. I'm trying...

Which is not to say there are not some nice moments. There are. One of my kids jokingly told me that my class was hard and that I should teach college. I replied that I have taught college. Now he refers to my class as college, as in "welcome to college" he greeted other students walking into class today. And I've already been informally invited to two quincineras.

And there are a few students in every class who look like they have such a desire to learn. They seem like their eyes are just crying out for it. I feel so frustrated that we're moving at this slow pace. And that I have so much classroom management and redirecting and re-explaining that I have to do. They don't listen to directions and then they just chat. It's normal. It's too be expected. And it makes me crazy. It makes me so miserable. As if this wasn't hard enough to be up there, to have things prepared, to be making up my curriculum.

My repeaters are so bad. They were making fun of me yesterday. Not sure exactly what they were saying but one of them mentioned the movie Freedom Writers and was joking around about it. Yeah, I do in a way wish I could be that teacher. Of course. And I realize that it took time for her to win over her students. But she also gave EVERYTHING. And lost a husband in the process. ...I'm not willing to give everything. I don't even have anything to give, I feel. I feel so empty. I want to go home.

My mom is supposed to come on Saturday. It's the only thing I've been looking forward to for over a week. Ironically this is the 2nd time that people were coming to visit me and there was a hurricane. First Girls Weekend, now this. Because Ike is supposed to hit Saturday AM for sure, probably Corpus Christi but not sure what that will mean for the Rio Grande Valley. I'm supposed to move this weekend too, into my new place closer to my school. Now I don't know when I'll move because not sure how the storm will play, if school will be canceled, etc. AHHHHH! Why don't things work out?!

I feel like quitting. I fantasize about coming back to Oregon several times a day. I feel almost as bad as I did during Institute but during Institute, I knew that I'd have a break, which I thought would leave me refreshed and give me time to be ready for this. Instead it ended up being stressful, just waiting around to hear something about a job. My program director is very sweet and observed me yesterday. Of course I'm performing fine enough for a first year teacher in the first 3 weeks. It's about how I feel. I feel miserable. I feel like even if I get better, I'm probably not going to really like teaching.

But then there will be a few good moments. Like yesterday. One class was analyzing magazine ads and it just felt like they were into it and getting it. Today, same class, awful. Yesterday, I tried to do choral reading with my repeaters, where they all read together, and at least two were reading along and it seemed to be going well. Today, awful. We hardly got through anything and I felt so frustrated. And there are some kids so beyond it and I don't know how to differentiate for them because I'm just don't know how. I'm new. I've never done this before. And I usually have resource (Special Ed) teachers who help out in my English 2 class and they've been there so much less frequently this week.

It's just so much work. I have a bunch of grading to do. And we're supposed to hold these kids' hands in a way, provide them all this tutorial time to make up work (that's what TFA tells us, that's what the school tells us).

I feel so depleted. I just thought I'd have more energy, more passion.

What do I do? I called my parents during my 2nd period time-off and cried. My dad gave me a pep talk, and I think he's right. He said I should stay because this is something I wanted, something I made sacrifices to do, something I committed to, so I should stick it out. Make the best of it. He's done that in his life. He faced the uncomfortable and eventually improved to the point that it was more comfortable and do-able and successful. I know. When I'm feeling less emotional, and I can think more rationally, I know that it will get better and I can be the teacher that I envision, to a degree. And that I'll grow. It's just so damn hard. I guess I thought it would be this hard but I didn't know how that would feel. It takes a lot of inner pep talks to make it through the day.

I can't imagine still being here in a month. I can't imagine still being in May and having made it through the year. I really can't. I want to go home. But I'll try to stick it out, at least through this week, maybe til the end of the 6 weeks unit. Then I'll shoot for Thanksgiving. Then Christmas. Then TAKS in March. Then May. And if I can make it through the school year, I'll feel proud. Honestly, at this point, I don't think I'll stick out my 2-year commitment to TFA. I just can't see myself going through the first weeks of school again in a year. I'm already ready to be done and I just started. I have to change my mindset to survive. Or I have to leave. And I still can't decide which would be worse: sticking this out, or feeling guilty about leaving. (Thank you Jenn & thank you Nathan & thank you those who have reminded me that it wouldn't be held against me to decide this wasn't for me. That I would be forgiven. That it is my life to decide what's for me and what serves me.)

My dear friend Jeannette was just a life-savior though. These are at-risks kids, she reminded me. And I need to find ways to touch them or reach out to them, to try to connect, even if they end up not reciprocating. Because the most memorable teachers were the ones that I felt like cared for me, and challenged me to think for myself, to think critically. That's what I want. Sure, I want them to have opportunities to go to college if they choose, or do whatever they'd like. I want them to like reading and see the value in writing. But if they can at least leave me being able to think critically just a little more often, that's truly a transferable skill.

So, again, it's 10pm and even though I have lesson plans for tomorrow (yeh! Finally ahead a little), I have work to do -- grading, I had meant to call parents like I'm supposed to, need to make a quiz for tomorrow... And instead, I came home, took a nap, cried from the insecurity & anxiety, and talked to Jeannette for hours. And I told her on the phone how I've been feeling lately -- that the things I would've said I loved about my life aren't a part of my daily life right now. There's no Richard. There's no family nearby. There's no bike commuting. I barely cook. I don't sleep enough. There's no Jack, my sweet little kitty. There's no amazing coworkers who I can turn around and chat with. There's no weekend road trips. There's no Women's Group or time with Aaron & Christine. There's less time for phone calls to the others I love. There's nowhere I know to be outside. To just be in nature. Without being bit by a thousand mosquitoes (I can't even walk from my apt to car w/o being bit)......... But thanks Jeannette, you helped bring one of those things back: being able to talk about personal growth and the inner critic. In addition to the teaching advice and reminder of why I came here.