There Are Only Choices

and this is mine.

After a lot of thought over the past few weeks, particularly the last week, and crying (lots and lots of crying), I reached a point on Thursday night when I knew I'd have to make a decision about this experience. Either I need to find ways to make this work and be okay with staying and with the struggle and with however better it gets in however much time, or I need to leave and face the struggle and disappointment and guilt that will create.

Friday I woke up with a sore throat and head congestion. My first thought was, great now you made yourself sick with all this. Sick with a sore throat because you're not voicing loud enough how you feel to who you need to voice it to. Sick with a head congestion because this is weighing on your mind so heavily. I called in a sub and fell back asleep for hours. Then I packed. I resumed packing to move to my new apt despite the fact that we still weren't sure how Hurricane Ike would impact us and if we'd get rain on Saturday so that I wouldn't even be able to move. And I realized how much I wished I was packing to go back to Oregon.

I don't like teaching. Maybe it's the situation. Maybe it's being in Texas with only new friends who I rarely see because we're all so busy with teaching. Maybe it's the typical awful 1st year that I've been warned of. Maybe it's because I feel like I have no idea often times what I'm doing. How do I reteach something? How do I figure out how to weight grades? How do I decide which things to grade and which not to? How do I control my classroom and deal with students who refuse to work and then refuse to go to lunch tutorial, right in front of my face? How do I deal with students who talk over me? What do I do when I reach a point when I'm standing in the classroom and they won't listen and I just think "I don't give a shit and I hate this and I don't want to do this. I don't want to figure this out. I know I'm capable of this but I just don't care." What do you do when you just don't care? What do you do when a group of repeater girls are just chit chatting even when I'm standing there trying to help them and I just feel so frustrated and angry that I just want a moment and quiet place to think... but there's no where to go. I can't leave the classroom. I can't go anywhere. There's never any private place in my day. I need private space. I need time to regroup my thoughts. Down time. Time to center, time to process.

I was hoping to love my students. Maybe it's just too soon. It'd only been 3 weeks and there are 130 of them. I just am really solidly knowing their names. How can I really know them and have a relationship with them yet? And it's different one on one. I like them. I like talking to them in the halls. I like helping them one on one when they come by after school. But that's not the same as being the teacher in front of them or the teacher with a whole group. I'm trying to connect, to share more about myself; they're supposed to be writing a personal narrative so then I'd get more of an idea about them (except that only about 30% did the draft, if I combine all students).

I cried most of the day Friday, feeling the weight of the decision I was weighing. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I don't see myself being happy here. Sure, I'll get better as a teacher. It's not that I think I can't do it. I just don't think I WANT to. This shocks me. It really does. I really thought I'd like this. I hoped I'd love it. I feared, all along, even as I joined, that I wouldn't like it. Because I didn't like it when I taught in grad school either! I liked conferencing with students, but I really disliked teaching. Is it being in front of them? Being on the spot? All the incredible planning? The lack of support and collaboration that I was hoping would be different than my GTA experience but is in fact less clear, more responsibility, and much more frustrating. I don't feel whole. I feel lost. I feel like I'm on a path that I don't want to be on. Thinking of waiting til Thanksgiving to have a chance to go to Oregon makes me feel depressed. Thinking of teaching til Thanksgiving makes me feel depressed. That's not right! I should feel excited, inspired, motivated. That's what the kids deserve. That's what I deserve. To be excited about my own life. To feel like I'm doing something that I believe in and that serves me while I serve the world. That's why I came here. But I don't feel that way. I keep denying it inside myself but I don't. I think that was a big struggle of mine at Institute. I knew. Deep down, I knew this wasn't for me. Maybe just not now. Maybe just not like this. But I didn't want to believe it was true. I wanted to believe that it was just situational and that when I got in my real school, with my real students, things would feel differently. They don't.

Eventually I went down to the TFA office to talk to my program director. I cried in front of him and his supervisor for THREE hours, talking about my options. They were surprisingly supportive. They offered me suggestions about things to do in my classroom to help and in my gut, I just felt sick and felt like "but I don't want to teach. I just don't want to. I'm so sorry. I'm a bad person. But I just don't want to continue this." Their bottom line was basically that I needed to take care of myself before I could help others. You need to be whole to have the energy and drive that this requires, they said. I wasn't whole when I came down here. I wasn't ready perhaps. I still feel the weight of these other life upheavals from this year on me. Maybe I'm done dealing with those yet. Or maybe coming to Texas for TFA just seemed like the most honorable way out of my unhappiness in Eugene, out of a job that I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go, out of the stress, out of a relationship that neither of us wanted to admit needed to be over for our own growth. I think that's true.

Not to say that it was a mistake coming here. I'm sure that I'll find a way that it wasn't. If only for the fact that it prompted change, and I was looking for changes. And it helped me realize that I do not want to teach. Even if I was in Oregon. I started day dreaming about jobs I could look for if I went back to Oregon -- editing, or tutoring, or admin work for COCC -- and for the first time in a long, long time, I actually felt excited. I actually felt free.

My PD asked what I thought it would take me to feel whole, to feel okay, to get grounded. And I realized that there are steps I can take here, most of which I'm attempting (sleeping more, eating meals at home now that I have a home, eating healthy, exercising, taking vitamins, trying to schedule chill time). But to really feel healed, I just kept seeing myself at my parents' house. Probably because it is a safe and comfortable place for me. I see me there. I see me walking the Butte with my mom. I see my cat. I see me going to Eugene and hugging everyone. Hugging everyone. And I was overcome with so much joy just thinking of my desire to hug my coworkers, I just felt like "that is right. This is not right. I walk around giving myself pep talks all day. And all I really want to do is hug the people I love and start looking for some work that fits me better. That serves me. That lets me be the best me I can be. This is not it." It breaks my heart to think about. My PD Isaac is so sweet and has tried to be supportive, which he is but only to a degree. He looked so beaten down and concerned or sad. I don't know. But his face looked like my heart had been feeling. I left there without deciding anything. I couldn't face making the choice.

My roommate Hillary stopped by later to get mail. She'd moved out the weekend before. (PS I really like living on my own. Yes it's a little lonely but there's really nothing as freeing as having no roommates and walking around wearing whatever you'd like) She ended up staying for over an hour talking to me at the kitchen table, listening and offering her advice. Which was awesome. And I realized as I said this to her that the only thing keeping me here at this point is my commitment. Maybe you will say I've given up on them, on my students. No, that's not it. I believe in them. Of course they are smart. Of course they can achieve. Of course I can be their teacher, and even be decent at it, eventually good at it. But if I listen to myself, when I'm very quiet and I try to put my own criticism aside, I know this is not right for me. And a big factor in my pressure to stay with this is wanting others' approval. Is not wanting to tell people that I quit because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. Is wanting to have their respect and their support and not go against that. I never have. I've never quit anything. I've never gone against what I thought people would support.

During our personal growth workshop in February that Richard and I attended, one of my issues that came up was this very thing -- the need for approval. During one activity, we each had to get on a stage in front of everyone and just "be" and see what came up. Of course I started to cry eventually. And someone the activity for me led to the facilitator giving rocks to people in the crowd, rocks that symbolized my self acceptance. And he told me to ask for the rocks back. To take back my own self acceptance from those I'd given it away to. No problem. I asked for it from a stranger with a smile, then a lesser stranger with a lesser smile, then my friend Christine with lots of restraint, then lost it when I had to ask Richard for my approval back. Why share this woo-woo story? Because it's true. I still struggle with this. And I feel like a huge part in me staying would be that I'm afraid to upset people. I'm afraid I'll be judged. She's a quitter. I can't believe she went back on her commitment. She let those kids down. She let me down. She's not strong enough. She's weak. She's not brave enough. She's not clever enough to figure it out. She's not dedicated enough. She's selfish to want her evenings free to herself again. She's not trying hard enough to make it work. She's weak for wanting to run home to mom and dad. She's just running home, trying to escape, not being a big girl. This is what they say in my head. You say. My inner critic says.

My friend Nathan wrote me "you'll experience regret and frustration and hope and freedom with any choice. It's just a matter of how you'll experience those feelings in relationship to a specific choice."

I quit. I did. On Saturday, I wrote a letter of resignation. Then I called my PD. I called my principal and I emailed it. Here's what it said:

It is with greatest regret and apology that I submit my letter of resignation for my position at Veterans Memorial Academy.

The students at Veterans Memorial Academy have been enthusiastic, energetic, and bright. The staff has been positive and supportive. This is a truly amazing community in San Benito and a school with an incredible heart and drive. My decision has nothing to do with this school with which I had the honor and privilege to serve. I am humbled to have been a part of your community. I had only the best intentions upon accepting this position and regrettably feel that I must now resign.

The major changes in my life in the past year – a major car accident, a break-up, leaving my career, moving to Texas – have impacted my emotional, physical, and mental health more than I had realized. The stress and anxiety of teaching has exacerbated those intense feelings and aided in my deteriorating health and depression. I feel depleted, lacking the energy, innovation, and inspiration that teaching demands and that I expect from myself as a teacher. Additionally my mother recently been struggling with health problems and I feel that I need to be closer to her during this time; the value of family is something that I have been reminded of by seeing the close relationships in the Valley. For my own well-being, the best decision is to leave teaching and return to my home state for support.

It is with a heavy heart that I leave and I can only offer my deepest apologies for the inconvenience this causes to everyone. This has been an incredibly difficult decision for me to make because I understand the commitment I made and the responsibility that I held and because the San Benito community has been so welcoming. However I do not believe I can continue to teach in my current condition. I hope my decision does not reflect negatively on Teach For America and the incredible work they do nor on the dedicated, intelligent corps members that they bring to the region; they have offered me great support and, like myself, had no way of anticipating my reactions. They are deeply committed to student achievement in the regions they serve and do everything they can to find and support quality teachers.

Best regards.

Okay. Maybe my mom isn't struggling as much as I suggest. But I do worry about her. And the rest is all true. How did I feel after sending it? Guilty. A little shitty. A little like a heel. And a little more at peace.

But I have to keep teaching until they find an "adequate replacement," says my contract. At first I felt like "no, now I've decided and I just want to leave. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I don't want to face my kids." But then I realized actually this is what I would want. I want my kids to have a great teacher if they're not going to have me. I don't want them to have a sub just because I want to make a different choice. I will stay. I just hope it's not for too long. Because now I just want to go. Now I just want to be free to drive.

On Monday, I submitted grades. I'm failing about 40 students right now because they don't turn in their homework. They have a reading journal. It's only 25 minutes per WEEK outside of class, and they still don't do it. My English 2 kids were reading a story out of our textbook, "Chee's Daughter," and doing guided notes/graphic organizer about it, basically so I could keep track that they were actually reading, and to help them with reading comprehension. We spent two days on it last week with varying success having me read aloud (they space off), doing choral reading where we all try to read together (disaster), having them do "popcorn" reading where they take turns (they either read very slowly, slowly enough that I think they're just f**ing with me and trying to waste time but still fast enough that I don't want to embarrass them if it is legit that they have trouble reading, AND/OR they laugh at each other and themselves as they read). In one class, one day, we made it through ONE page of a textbook because I kept having to redirect, retry, etc. Because I was gone on Friday and the sub just left a note that said they behaved and I had no idea if they'd finished the story, I asked them, honestly, did you finish the story because I'm giving you a quiz on it today? Do you need time to get the books out and finish the story before the quiz? If so, let's do that. Yes they say. Then no one actually looks at the story. I walk around, point at the page where I know we last stopped. Tell them they can read at their own pace, or at least skim, for 10-15 minutes before the quiz, and use their notes. Then I give them the quiz. The first question is "what is the title of the story?" (Chee's Daughter) The second question is "who are the 3 main characters?" (Chee, his daughter Little One, Old Man Fat) Total bomb. I had 3 students pass out of both classes. I kicked out 3 students for talking/cheating during the quiz. Ri-dic-u-lous!! They don't even care! It's not about them not knowing how to read or not understanding it. They don't even care enough to look at the story even when I warn them there's a quiz. My 7th period class of about 20 students (1/4 of which keep getting sent to PRC, the correctional bootcamp alternative school) has ONE person with a grade above 50%. And she has a 97% so it's not like I think it's impossible. It's actually pretty easy so far. She's bright enough but she's not a whiz kid. She's just actually doing the work. In my 4th period class, two are passing, one with a 98% and one with 78%.

... So one of last year's teachers, who had a baby and decided that she wanted to stay home this year so they hired one of us new teachers to take her place, was begged to come back. I met her today and apparently she's taking over on Monday. They're splitting up my classes of repeaters and giving one to one teacher and one to another. When I walked in on Monday morning, I saw my dean of instruction, who apparently didn't know yet about my weekend resignation. I faked like things were fine, but she later told me her first thought was she won't make it past Christmas. She and the other dean later decided that it wasn't fair for one teacher to have all the repeaters and were already discussing giving one of the classes to someone else before she found out. She was incredibly gracious talking to me and even teared up when I started tearing up saying how sorry I was. "If this doesn't excite you, if you don't feel inspired despite it all, then we don't want you to go through this either."

I showed the veteran teacher around my room this morning. I wasn't expecting her and she had her baby with her, who wanted to climb all over. She asked about my curriculum. Um, well I have the teacher copy of the 9th gr & 10th gr textbook. I have a computer curriculum that tells me to spend pre-reading time guessing what's inside boxes. I have TAKS (the TX state test) practice booklets... Um, no, the department has nothing standardized except which state objectives we're teaching in which unit. And the units themes (first is choose-your-own, then expository, then poetry), we're not supposed to teach novels until after TAKS in March per the dean. Um, no, there's no reading list of what they're supposed to be reading right now. Um, no, there's not really any collaboration in the dept except that Jason & I plan together for my English 1 class. Um, no, no one else teaches English 2 and they never got me the contact at the real high school, but I DO have class sets of those textbooks, but not for English 1 because I don't have any more bookcases and wasn't sure how to really use the textbooks anyhow. Um, yes, I have kids with IEP (for special needs) and the resource teacher comes to one of my English 2 classes about once a week as she's required to do. They were coming to my worst period but they got reassigned during that period so now no one comes anymore to help me. Which was nice just to help keep order in the room. She said "no wonder you're frustrated and want to leave. I'd want to leave too if I were you and just starting teaching. This is not how it was last year."

I guess I'll tell my students on Friday. I'm planning to write them each a note (Word Merge, baby, Word Merge) with a paragraph at least that's unique to that student. Still not sure what I'll say. All that I know is that I haven't regretted it since Monday. Today I walked through the school and felt free, felt really free for once in a long time, and almost happy that it's almost over.

Then of course today, a bunch of my students on the football team announced that they wanted to come to after school tutorial in my room because they had no practice and were required to go. So I had about 6-8 football players hanging out in my room, some reading, some texting in between making up homework assignments. I helped one student with his personal narrative. I graded papers and listened to their banter and we joked around when their (fairly attractive) coach came to check up on them and smile at me as he told me to get in touch with him if I needed anything or if they were out of line; as soon as he left, one of them moaned "ahh, Miss, he's such a big flirt. Don't bother with him." Kids. And I really enjoyed. I enjoyed their company. I loved just chatting with them and thought, see, you could like this. But then this is just one aspect of teaching. This is the part that is the tutoring part. This is the part that I already knew I liked. I'm sure I'll miss some of them at times.