Last Days Teaching

The end of my teaching was pretty uneventful. I bribed my classes to behave on Thursday by offering a make-up day/free day on Friday. Really it's because I didn't want to start something new when their new teacher starts Monday. They actually did a grammar worksheet with zest, asking for help, some of them getting it (they should've; it was about complex sentences which should be review I'd think). Friday I gave my repeaters a retake of a quiz they bombed on Monday. They are seriously out of control. I actually found myself saying "this is ridiculous," just like in this TFA video that my friends & I think is hilarious in which a teacher has an out of control elementary classroom and that is her comment (the next scene is a few months later and she basically has the class running like a little military school, which I think TFA is trying to show as a positive because of its efficiency). Anyhow, they are just ridiculous in their behavior. They say answers aloud as they ask me how to spell words. They just try their best to test me and I decided that I didn't care since it was my last day and also they are just trying to get kicked out sometimes.

I showed them a slideshow of my accident, some pics of me at their age, and some pics of Oregon. When I told them I was leaving, I told them it was to take care of my mom whose health was getting worse. I thought they could understand that, given the importance of family to this culture (by this culture I mean what I've observed in the RGV). I didn't want the kids to think that my decision to stop teaching was because they were bad students in any way. They just groaned, told me not to leave, asked when I'd be back, and asked if their new teacher was nice. Some told me they were coming to Oregon with me, or that they'd see me when they play football for UO. A few complained that I didn't tell them on Thursday so that they could get me a gift. We spent the class periods just playing music and chatting, which was nice. I also brought my high school yearbook, which some enjoyed looking through. It was interesting to hear their comments: "it's all white people. Oh wait, here's a Mexican. Hmm but his name is white. Maybe he's not a real Mexican." I'd never thought about it before... they also told me I look the same as my pics of being 12. Gee thanks, I sure hope not!

One student shamelessly hit on me, but I expected that from him. He leered at me the entire first day he was in my class. I think he tries to make me uncomfortable, which works but I try not to let on. "Miss, I don't know why but you look REALLY good today. What's between us? You and me?" Straight faced I said "what's between us is you're my student and you are silently working on your quiz right now. Thank you." Punk. Oh yeah, and my 4th period repeaters offered to smoke me out in the classroom since 1) it was my last day, and 2) one of my pics from Eugene showed me wearing tie-dye and I made the mistake of joking "and there's me as a hippy." Thanks for being totally inappropriate, kids.

I had two students slip me notes at the end of the day to say good luck to me. And a few of my boys sneaked back into the building while they were waiting for their bus to say goodbye again. The funniest part was how many kept asking me for a souvenuir. All boys too. "What can I have to remember you by, Miss?" What? Uh a grade? One asked if he could take the sign I'd made for the door. It was a star cutout that I'd written my name, English I & II, and our room number on. Yeah sure take it. And he proceeded to wear it taped on his chest for the rest of the day. Weird. It wasn't as hard to say goodbye as I thought it would be, which I think means this is right. Some of them are definitely sweet and part of me wishes I could be involved with them still somehow.

Actually the hardest part of my week was a disciplinary meeting I had to attend on Thursday for one of my repeaters. This is the 2nd one I've gone to and I really don't understand why except that they need a regular teacher of the kid in trouble, the counselor, the parent(s), and the student present when they give the consequence. But it actually has nothing to do with me. The first one I went to, one of my students had cussed at a security guard. And I just had to check that I agreed with the decision before I even knew what the issue was.

This 2nd one was worse. I barely know the student. He was hardly in my class at all before getting sent to In School Suspension on a dress code violation. They have to wear collared shirts to school and he kept wearing tee-shirts. Some days he borrowed a collared shirt from the school to wear but one day he refused so he was sent to ISS. While in ISS, a rival gang member flashed a sign to him, so he confronted the guy about "disrespecting" him and they got in a little fight. So now my student is getting sent to "bootcamp" for 20 days; they start off the day with running, but according to my repeaters who've been there, it's better than the regular classroom because you get to play on the computer all day. Many of them seem to try to get into trouble enough to get sent back. Not this particular student though, which is what made it hard. He's not a small kid. Definitely is 16 at least, maybe 17, and looks like a young man. When I walked in the conference room, it was just him and his mom and sister. And he looked like he was about to cry. I asked if he wanted paper to write on to calm him down. "No I just want to get this over with." The entire meeting I watched this kid and felt myself get so frustrated and upset.

All this started with a stupid dress code violation. Sure, he knew he was breaking the rules. And I understand that you have to stick to your rules to show them that you're serious. But at least he was coming to school! And he tried in my class. He was sweet, polite, on task despite most of the rest of the class acting out of control. He seemed to genuinely want to try. I don't even agree with dress codes either. Here you have this young adult who just wants to dress his own way and if it's not offending anyone, what's the problem? Instead he has to borrow clothes just to be allowed to go to class (or call his mom to bring him something; she wasn't aware of the dress code) and then is frustrated and refuses and is sent to ISS and is frustrated and it all builds. No it's not okay that he's in a gang. No it's not okay to hit someone when you feel disrespected. But there's an aspect to this about keeping the kids under control to the point that they just rebel. Or an aspect of somehow setting this kid up to fail. I don't know how to explain it better. But I kept thinking to myself, this is bullshit. And he thinks it's bullshit. And if I was him, I wouldn't want to keep trying. If I had to keep going through meetings like this, and repeating 9th grade, and all this crap, I wouldn't want to keep going to school. I wouldn't be motivated. Because what is there to motivate you when you just keep getting in trouble and sent to prolonged detention? I felt like, even if I stayed, this is the kid who needs help and attention and guidance. And the system isn't set up so that I would even be able to help this kid. The system is set up so that this kid will eventually probably be in the 50% dropout rate of the RGV. And it's not fair. And there's not much I can do about it.

And on that note, I begin my new transition... into what I don't know. This is the first time I've taken the step without knowing what would come next. I've always had a plan. In the past I've planned ahead. I have no plan and that is terrifying and exciting and probably will feel paralyzing at times and frustrating. But right now I'm just happy to be relieved of teaching. I sat by the pool with my book yesterday before I went for a run and it was the most glorious hour I've had in a long time. I was so relaxed and enjoying the sun and finally feeling and believing that things will be okay and I will continue to heal and grow. Now I get to look forward to driving, to seeing Jenn in Albuquerque on my way home, to seeing my family and planning a trip to see friends. And to celebrate, really celebrate, my life and the people and places I love in Oregon. To go home.