My sore left arm today tells me that we moved in. Need to resume my physical therapy exercises it seems. Hillari, my new housemate, and I are into our new apartment-- 969 sq feet. I flipped the image so that it is accurate, however now the text is backwards; I figured, you're smart, you can deal. Mine is the smaller bedroom, faces west. Our entrance is on the 1st floor but the whole apt is actually on the 2nd. We are at the back of our complex so our balcony overlooks the back fence and a drainage ditch, then a residential neighborhood behind that. Lovely. But better than a parking lot.
So in Texas, there is not just one power company, but literally dozens (really interested? check out powertochoose.org; I had to). So instead of just calling up Pacific Power, or whomever, and saying "on this day, switch it to my name" and having a continuation of service, I had to research and then call to schedule someone to come switch the power/turn it on, which they can't do til Friday. Okay... so we'll just go without power for two days. No problem. Our apt personnel said that we may have power still under their name and they could just bill us for those two days (yesterday & today). But when we actually got into our apt, none of the lights worked or the appliances. Great, we thought, get out the candles. Strangely however, we noticed that the a/c worked, as did the fridge. So last night we went out for beers at a place nearby, made our way in the dark to light candles, and spent our first night in our new home sans electricity. BUT today, as I walked around curious about why the a/c and fridge worked but nothing else and testing different sockets and appliances, I noticed the -- how to say -- fuse box in our laundry room. And wouldn't you know it -- everything but A/C & Fridge were switched to "off." So it actually just took me flicking "on," "on," "on" for us to have full power. Ugh.
Anyhow, ask me for the new address... not posting online for obvious reasons...
In other news, I received a call on Monday that a high school in San Benito was very interested in interviewing me for a 9th grade teaching position. Sounds great minus the fact that San Benito is about a 40 miles east of McAllen (a good 45-50min drive). But otherwise I just keep hearing that my exec. director is looking and there may be potential opening and that Mercedes ISD (which is only 25-30 mins east) is still processing my application and at this point it won't be before Monday that I could have an interview. So my exec. director and I discuss what a long commute this would be and decide to wait until Thursday to decide if I'll apply for this position. So yesterday, as I'm driving this huge UHaul that we rented to make the move out of the storage units quicker, he calls to update me on placement, which was basically to say that there may be openings in some of the districts around here but he doesn't have specifics at that moment and what do I think about San Benito. I've never done this. I don't know what will open up when (and really neither does he). Our region quotes that they place 99% of people by the first day of school, but that doesn't specify HOW soon before the first day...
We've had online courses this week that are supposed to help walk us through developing our first unit (about 6wks) plan. But how can I make my unit plan when I don't know what I'm teaching? I just have to design everything (looking at grade standards, breaking down learning goals into manageable objectives, thinking about my unit assessment and my year assessments so I can backwards plan) assuming 7th grade, since that's in the middle. And I understand that the learning goals aren't THAT much different between, say, 6th grade and 9th grade. Students are still trying to master the same skill (such as making inferences) but with different level of texts and complexity. But it's really discouraging and frustrating for me to try to plan for an imaginary classroom. Especially because I am now the only ELA (English Language Arts) person not placed. And I'm the one with an MA!
So, anxious and stressed at the thought of still not being able to plan, I told my exec. director that I want to be placed sooner than later and what did he think, and he advised me to apply and do the interview... so today I drove 40 miles out to this school, which is only 9th grade (the rest of the high school is down the street), for the interview with the principal and dean of instruction. And who knows how it went. I'm assuming it went fine. I don't think I'm a terrible interviewee but there were some strangely phrased questions that caught me up, or were just oddly vague ("what would you do if you had a disagreement with someone on staff?"-- well, I guess that would depend on the nature of the disagreement. I would try to talk to the person about our issue?; "what extra-curricular activities have you sponsored?" -- Does that mean coached? Or donated money to? Or have any kind of involvement with, like what did I do when I was in high school? Oh everything, don't get me started ;) "what does a classroom look like in the 21st century?" -- Aren't we already 8 years into the 21st century? As opposed to the 20th century? I'm assuming the desired response would have something to do with technology, but I think that preparing students to have literacy skills in advancing technology was important in the 20th century as well... and things haven't changed THAT much; there was internet, etc, 8 years ago when I was in high school)
I left the interview feeling less than stellar but they said I have good attributes and they are interviewing other candidates and will let me know when they make their decision. According to the TFA rules I signed onto, I think I'm required to accept the position if it's offered to me. What I'm trying to get clarity on from my exec. director is if he'll keep looking for open positions for me in the meantime, or if I just have to wait for them to make a decision.
On one hand, the school seemed like an interesting place to work. They cluster students in learning teams, so I would work with a collaborative of teachers who would be teaching the same students as me and we'd do planning together to some degree. Also, it's a career path focused school, meaning that students choose career paths, like majors; not sure exactly what that means as far as the rigor of classes; maybe it pertains more to electives.
On the other hand, it'd be 80 miles roundtrip a day! I know my aunt bravely made the Creswell-Corvallis commute while completing her Masters, and I've heard it said that she valued the time to prepare her thoughts or unwind after a long day. I guess I could just get a lot of books-on-cd/iPod. Or those Learn Spanish in Your Car cds (already got them), though I get bored pretty quickly and being a visual learning have a desire to also see the words that are being said. That would be quite a bit of gas, time, etc. But I just signed this year lease (I think in the fine print they asked for a kidney because it was literally about 20 pages of initialing), and I like our location in McAllen and the pool and it seems resort-ish enough to make me feel like I could retreat somewhere at the end of the day. But 45 minutes each way? That's 45 mins less sleep each morning. And 45 mins less time to work on things in the evening...
Additionally, I realized today, I now officially live in Texas. And had a huge flood of emotions related to this, mainly along the lines of why the hell am I doing this? I'm not prepared. I feel anxious. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can teach. I don't know if I even want to teach. I don't know what else I would do. I made a commitment. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a good cause, that I will grow in positive ways in myself and what I believe I can do. That I wanted to make an impact and that I will undoubtedly touch lives in a good way, even if I don't know it, and it will be worth it. I am lonely here. My new friends are nice but there's so much too do, and so much that I'm unsure of. When will things feel normal and okay and do-able? Will they ever? Will I ever get to have a feeling that my life is good and that I'm doing something I enjoy and that I'm happy in the choice I'm making? I'm not sure I really know who I am. I feel so much doubt and uncertainty. I keep trying to have faith. To believe that things will work out. But when you've never had faith, it's a difficult and terrifying thing to attempt to gain/maintain/create/develop/find...
Have I shared my favorite lyrics of the year yet? They are worth me repeating. They are the lines that come to me when I am feeling down and feeling like this is hopeless and too hard and not worth it. I abridge them, since Michael Franti is singing about a relationship that he just keeps moving toward, even when it's difficult. And it's not necessarily a relationship that I'm continuing to move toward:
I let go of a broken heart / I let go to an open heart
I let go of my broken dreams / I let go to the mystery
And I believe in the miracles / I believe in the spiritual
I believe in the one above / I believe in the one I love
...
Even when I've fallen down / My heart says follow through
I just take one step closer to you
Please let things work out. Please let me be a successful teacher. Please let me gain the strength and confidence and energy and knowledge necessary. Please let me help them and get through to them and teach them. Please don't make me keep struggling. Please let me ease into the flow. I know I said that I wanted to become more flexible, to trust more, to let go, and I've really been trying. I've been trying so hard...
Tomorrow's goals:
* eat something green * buy healthy groceries
* do a workout * go for a swim
* buy a bed! (deflating air mattress is starting to really hurt my back)
* center myself
... after attending most of a day of planning workshops :(
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