Half Through Week 1

Yesterday was terrible. Exhausting. The kids in my 7th period (the repeaters) were SO awful. How do I issue consequences for talking when I'm talking when it's all but 2 students who are talking? They do intimidate me a little, I'll admit. The boys are tall. They're 15 or 16 or maybe older, who knows. They have attitude and seem jaded. I keep telling myself, it's just their insecurity. They are used to failing. They are repeating 9th grade. Of course they're going to want to tune out to something that's been hard for them. Of course they're going to try to push around the new, young teacher with the "beautiful eyes, Miss."

And I don't even have that large of classes (my biggest is growing to around 26) and they just seem huge. I have so many students. How do I learn their names? I know it was only Day 2 but by the end of it, I really felt like teaching was not for me. Maybe it's just not for some people and I've just been trying to deny that, always. Because even teaching in grad school, I felt like teaching was not for me. And eventually I dreaded that part of my day. But I kept thinking to myself, no I think teaching is something that would be rewarding and that I could be good at. Maybe it just takes more time, much much more time. Still, I cried the whole drive home while talking to mom, the whole 45 mins.

I'm homesick. It didn't hit me until just in the last few weeks. I felt pretty homesick after seeing the gals during Girls Weekend. To come back to a group of people who barely know me and don't understand me the way my oldest friends do. All those things about myself that can go unsaid because they already know the backstory. They know the history. They witnessed. And now I'm homesick for sure. Anytime I talk to someone from home, or hear their voices on my voicemail, I nearly cry. I miss you. All of you. Each and every one. I miss my life feeling comfortable. I miss Richard and spending time with him. I miss my parents. I miss my cat. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing and what was expected of me and feeling like I had a good chance of succeeding. I want to come home. I feel like I'd do anything for an extra day off and an extra couple hundred dollars to come home just for a few days. But it wouldn't be enough.

And my roommate announced that she wants to move out. She kept having these weird conversations like "I just feel like you're stressed and maybe the commute is adding to that and just wanted to see what you think about breaking the lease." Unprompted. Eventually I told her to cut the crap and if she wanted to move out into some house that she "fell in love with," then we'd have that conversation. So she announced this weekend that she's pretty serious about moving out. Okay. Great. Glad we signed that intense year-lease only 3 weeks ago. There's a possibility that we could get out with less of a fee if I transfer my lease to a sister-apt complex in Harlingen, which would actually be ideal for my commute because it's only 2 miles from my school. Problem is, I'm broke. And we'll probably have to pay 2 months rent before we're free. Ugh. I hadn't minded the commute, honestly, until this week. And now I feel like I'd move this weekend if I could. Even if I live alone, which at this point sounds good to me. I was excited to live in McAllen because it's larger, but honestly, I haven't gone out at all, and have no plans to. I haven't seen anyone other than my roommate and coworkers, not even my other TFA friends that live in the mid-Valley. And if I lived in Harlingen, I'd be closer to the TFA'ers who work at my school and live nearby, which would be nice. I like them a lot and would enjoy spending time with them outside of school.

On an up note, today was smoother. I tried to do a little less talking. I threatened them with a quiz at the end of my lecture so they had to pay more attention. And one of my two English 2 classes is an inclusion class, so an inclusion teacher comes in a few times a week to assist not only with the students who have special needs or need alterations but with any student who is struggling. I mentioned to one inclusion teacher today that 7th period was rough so she sent the other teacher in to help me, which seemed to work. I need to improve on my classroom management. Bottom line. But it helps to have more presence in there. A few students who were constantly chatty yesterday were actually actively participating and really trying to give answers today. My principal caught wind of this and now he's stopping by my class tomorrow. Let's hope it goes well then.

I'm also learning the power in "selling it" as if I'm into it. It helped a little, the faux-enthusiam for the dry material I was presenting. A little energy never hurt anyone. Something I also can improve on, "faking it" more convincingly. And complimenting kids more in class. And classroom management, did I mention that? Shocker.

I decided the key to me succeeding or feeling better about what I'm doing is this: I need to fall in love with my students. (Funny, as I'm writing this, "I Believe (When I Fall In Love With You It Will Be Forever)," the Stevie Wonder rendition, just started playing...) I believe I need to fall in love with them, to really be willing to make the sacrifices I feel I'm making. And to give them what they want. Because I believe that is what they want. And what we all want. To be recognized. To be told we're special and intelligent and capable. I gave them a really hard poem to analyze as a warm-up, partially because I had copies of it, partially because I wanted them to be doing something 1st thing while I'm taking role, partially to freak them into paying attention. I asked "why do you think I gave this to you?" as they whined about it being hard. And one kid said "because you hate us." "What? Exactly the opposite." I said. And I realize now that I need to mean it. I need to feel that way, not just theoretically. And I know I can. I fall in love so easily, at least in the past. I feel very guarded right now, but I know how to open up my heart and that's my goal. To really get to know them, at least a few to start.

One student stopped by to say hi to me during lunch. It was kinda sweet. I heard from a number of administrators that she was a pain; she's a repeater. Or rather they just groaned when I mentioned her name when talking about a bunch of students who were mismarked on my role sheet. But I don't yet know why they groaned. Hmm. Anyhow she came by to say that she heard my 7th period class was rough. I said they were a little rowdy. Then she told me that students are a bunch of dumbass who just whine that they want out but don't want to do work. She said she keeps telling them, if they wanna get out, they gotta do the f'ing work. Then she announces that she's out. Thanks for stopping by. It actually made my day.