Closing out Feb

To follow-up on Ben-coffeeshop-guy, yes I told it to him like it was. He asked! In fact he actually said I should be "brutally honest" about why I didn't want to go out with him again after he felt like we had such an amazing connection and how can I know after only 6 hours that it wouldn't work out? Umm... well... when you kissed me, I couldn't wait for it to be over and for you to leave. And I did not want to repeat it. Sorry to be blunt but there was no chemistry for me. I can have some decent, kinda deep conversations with lots of people. It was definitely nice to hear that I'm amazing and deserve the best. And I'm sticking to my guns on that.

So then... I get a psychic reading on 2/22, my first one. I've tended to be a pretty skeptical person most of my young/adult life. And I don't want to say solely that it was the car accident that changed that. I have always felt there is something larger, and so much more that I don't understand and know of, and maybe won't until after this life. I don't know what that is-- collective life energy? power of the universe? "god?" I'm open to the possibilities there.

So, side story from my car accident, because I don't remember telling it, and it's had a lasting effect. I don't know if this was an experience, a dream... when I had it... during the accident, before the accident, after the accident... I just remembered it in the hospital. And it's so strong that even when I've seen where my accident took place, it seems wrong because I saw an open field. And my accident actually took place with many trees around (as shown). But what I saw was this:

I'm standing on the side of the road with Richard's truck (running) behind me. I'm facing an open, snow-covered field that's behind a wooden-log fence. The field is lined by tall trees and a hill/butte that's straight ahead but the base of which is maybe a mile or more from where I'm standing. Halfway between me and the edge of field where it meets the trees is a woman in a dark gray wool hooded cape. She is lovely and maybe 60 or so and she seems familiar but I'm not sure who she is. She is heading toward the forest and she lifts the arm closer to me and motions for me to follow her. I remember thinking how clean the snow looks and how I'll make footprints in it. She's leading me into the forest where somewhere near the base of the butte there are other people. A settlement? I'm not sure but I know they are waiting for me. I walk toward the fence and put my hands on the top log to start to hop over. But I remember that Richard's truck is behind me and I think that I should at least turn it off or lock it. I feel a little irresponsible about just leaving it. So I start to turn back toward the truck...

That's it. But it was SO vivid.

What else? My friend Jesse has gotten very interested in metaphysics. Her time in Hawaii was very spiritually awakening and she's told me of some pretty interesting experiences. I don't know why they wouldn't or couldn't be true. And I've felt a presence sometimes of someone with me. An angel maybe? A guide? I don't understand it because it's like just having an imagination but without putting any effort to it. I just have this idea of a woman in her mid-30s or so, slender, beautiful face, long wavy brown hair, wearing... not sure, maybe something beige or bland colored. I've seen her in my mind's eye a few times. A few weeks ago when I was meditating with Jesse's group, I felt a chill in the air and while trying to not think of anything, I thought hey, don't they say it gets cold when there are spirits or ghosts around? And then without effort, I see this same woman standing directly in front of me in my chair, and she kneels and hugs me around the waist as I sit meditating. Hmm... I don't know. But it feels real.

So the psychic-- among other things, when I asked her "I've seen a woman, can you tell me about her?" she describes her exactly as I've seen her and tells me that this is probably a guardian angel or guide of mine and that she is usually in the corner of my bedroom (I guess so she can protect me as I sleep?). Okay, maybe it's not exact proof that psychics are real but she did accurately describe the woman. She also had a very long vision of a ghost who was trying to say hello-- good looking, black wavy not-short-haired, died young, maybe before age 30, not recently but maybe the late 80s or so, maybe on my dad's side of the family (she thought a cousin), either worked on cars or liked cars or died in a car accident, played the drums, something about the name Matthew maybe, she heard the name "Jon" a few times, he's saying hello to someone with a J-name, jeans, zip-up sweat jacket, chain-link men's bracelette, 50s diner, related to dad. His description seems to match my dad Jon's childhood friend Cole who I don't remember ever meeting who died in the early 90s. My dad felt pretty certain. When I followed up with her, she said she was getting a strong YES.
So apparently, Cole wanted to say hello :-)

And on my front... I'm not sure how much to share, except that she said my guides said to tell me everything will be alright. And that the guy I've been asking for/dreaming up... he's on his way. Soon. In the next year. And we'll be very happy together. And she kept getting wedding. Also maybe relocation. Maybe northern California. Hmm... maybe that's because I was traveling to Sacramento for work later that week?
Also, that my last relationship was too wishy-washy, not decisive, was just beating a dead horse, not right for me. She was being shown a broom. I should sweep out the old. Good I let it go. And that I've tended to draw to myself "guys who are like little boys who need a mom" because I'm responsible and have a sterness. Hmm... again, something not completely specific, but it resonates with me. It's stuff I've said before. How would a total stranger know that? Oh she also -- when I asked about my car accident -- saw the back of my head, which I did hit, and asked if I had trouble sleeping, which I have had trouble since then, and said that I may benefit from seeing a chiropractor or deep cranial therapist because something very slight might be out of alignment that was overlooked, which I've suspected.

Also, basically, I was too focused on the narrow. I need(ed) to broaden my focus. And that I'm very hard on myself and I need to just appreciate the everyday, pull back and see bigger things in life. And that I am/was? driven but too fixated. There's wasn't enough room for creativity. Ha!- she told me not to take life so seriously and not sweat the small stuff. And I need to trust spirit.

Here's a part that doesn't make sense yet so let me know if it resonates with you: Someone was showing her a big dog, golden color, maybe a marmaduk, big. On the other side.