The Search

So... the man hunt is a little discouraging. Kidding, I'm not really man hunting, I'm just... out there. And taking opportunities to meet people. But also hoping I do meet someone wonderful.

But... I feel much differently about dating than I used to. I guess I didn't have much expectation before. Maybe I have too much now. I just don't feel like dating someone if I determine it's not going to be what I want long-term. How long does it take to figure that out? Lately it's been taking me 1-2 dates. Is that normal?

I went on a blind date with a friend's brother who lives in town. He's a little younger but cute, employed, nice guy. We had a really nice dinner. But I don't know, I just didn't feel it. Ya know? It felt nice, but it didn't feel... Plus there were (nit-picky?) things that came to my mind. Like this guy seems very sweet but he also is a bit anxious apparently. And I'm already a worrier on my own. I'm not sure I'd be best with someone who has that in common with me. Mainly it's that, yet again, I didn't feel major sparks. But I wasn't sure how to tell him that without hurting his feelings, because he's an awesome guy, I actually would like to be friends with him except now I sorta made out with him and he seemed into me. So I told him that an ex had come back into my life and I felt confused about my feelings and didn't want to involve him in that but would like to be friends. Which isn't false.

I've been talking to an ex-boyfriend for the past few weeks. Initially I went through this range of emotions like... maybe it would work out, if I could ever get over my fear of being hurt by him again, because any relationship requires risking oneself to being hurt, to being open to another person. How can I really trust him again? Why couldn't he get it right the first time? Don't I deserve someone who will fall madly for me and treat me right... all the time, the first time?! Don't I deserve someone who wants a life more aligned to what I want?

Yet I let him take me out to dinner last weekend when he was in town. And as we're sitting there I think (probably because I was an English major and read lots of novels in which there is always a pinnacle moment, the climax of the story at which all is changed... which is and isn't like real life)... so I think maybe this is our moment at which this story changes, at which I decide "yes, let's try this again" and it goes a certain way and my life is altered or "no, this is all this is and I'm just treating this as a friendship" and my life goes a dramatically different direction. Then I think you are so dramatic and put way too much thought into this... But... I feel a voice inside saying "Gretchen, don't. Don't bother. Hold out for more." And if the world was being swept out from under, that would be something else. But here I am, standing on the ground, feet planted. I realized how hurt and angry I still feel on a very deep level. C'est la vive.

Essentially, when I'm in a quiet place on my own to think-- I want more. I want better. I want someone who deserves me. In general, I feel like, I haven't been lazy, ya know I've worked, and I went to school and finished my degree, and got a job and worked hard at it, and I volunteer and take on new projects and try to challenge myself. Shouldn't I be with someone who has approached life similarly and is similarly motivated? And more importantly someone who treats me as well as I've treated people I've loved and as well as I will treat the next guy?

I was planning to get off Match as soon as my month membership ended. Which I only paid for the membership (cause you can show your profile for free but not read/write emails) because I'd received two emails and they won't show you now who it was that emailed you until you get the membership (which ended up being people I wasn't interested in). But I thought they used to send an email like "your membership is about to run out, renew!" Now they just auto-renew you unless you go fill out a cancellation even though it doesn't cancel til the end of your month. Bah, now I figure it out. So I'm on for another month. Whatever.

I did send a few emails with a guy in Portland who seemed okay, kinda cute in his pics, and when I was laid over in Portland on Thursday decided to see if he could meet for lunch and took the MAX to some restaurant and actually met this guy. So... I'm glad that I was brave enough to figure out mass transit and take a chance but uhh, not worth it. The guy is super awkward in person and not cute, really nerdy-looking. Okay, he may have the degree, and a decent job and a condo. But wow. Now I remember why I was originally opposed to online dating.

So... I have an afternoon coffee thing with the last person I'd been emailing. Then I think I'll just be done. Unless someone amazing emails me. There really aren't a lot of guys who meet what I think I'm looking for on Match. Oh well. It was worth a shot. I have some interesting stories to tell. The universe can't say I'm not being open to meeting people and giving it a chance. Maybe I'm just getting good at deciding quickly if I want another date or kiss. Or maybe I'm just being too picky and looking for something unrealistic, but I don't think so