Another Late Night

Hopefully this is the part of the process in which it's true that it gets better and easier. Despite the fact that after a Red Bull at 10:30p, and that I was up til around 2:30am planning my lesson for today, and up at 4:30am in a panic that I still didn't really have readings selected or having practiced. And despite the fact that my problem kid returned to class today, and yes, was continually disruptive (rolling eyes, talking, bouncing the metal ball of her tongue ring on the desk when others were writing, not working on the assignments, passing notes) and she stormed out of the room when I asked her to stay after for a minute to chat. I was observed by, and finally met, my Faculty Advisor, a staff member at the school. Whose advice was mainly that this is a learning experience for me, and that these kids are my "guinea pigs." Yes she literally said that. And that ultimately this is just a job, don't kill myself over it, and that I'm only here for a few weeks...

Yet I'm just struggling. Struggling to find good texts with which to have them demonstrate their ability to site "relevant aspects of text" in their assertions. It's mainly because there are SO many options, and I have such little time to research, read, analyze myself, determine if the text is appropriate, what questions I can ask them, what their responses will be. And it's exhausting. I think maybe I just need more sleep. And I'm hoping that's the missing piece. And I just hope that that's true and that I can eventually become a good teacher who is still not up at 12:45am with no idea how I'm teaching my objectives in the morning. Luckily I actually get to use my differentiated time tomorrow AM, 2 hrs, but I won't have access to a printer or copier so I need to make any handouts I need before I get to the school. Which is the hardest part for me.

Also I don't know how to deal with this student. Another corps member has the same girl the block after mine and was able to get to talk with her. Apparently the girl's brother was in an bad car accident yesterday, hence her absence. And she told the other teacher that she can't learn, she won't try, she's not going to open up, and that the teacher might as well give up now on her. Which breaks my heart. And I would LOVE to break that kid and get her to open up and believe in herself. But I honestly wonder if the FA was right -- there's not enough time. I'm here for too short of a period. Her advice was to 1) ignore her, and 2) send her home (which would mean she'd fail... sounds like she's already repeated 6th grade) -- and this would potentially not be good for me since the last time I sent her to the office, the administration didn't take it seriously at all and just sent her back to my class, and since principal gave us a lecture today about how he doesn't want us to send them out unless we absolutely need to because it is our job to manage them in class. And I don't understand how his requests relate with TFA. So if I did send her out again for being disruptive, would I be in trouble with TFA? Or would the principal just be irritated?

I am so tired. Please, I just keep begging, please let me get through tomorrow with some slight success, with some semblance of organization and preparation. I feel like I'm not giving my best here. I can't. I'm zapped. I can barely think logically. It's so hard. It is because I'm tired, right? And not just that I'm not clever or intelligent or resourceful. I can't believe how hard this is and how homesick I feel right now. I don't even recognize my life or myself tonight. I miss feeling like I was good at my job. I miss feeling loved. Feeling appreciated. Feeling like I was doing well in life. Feeling like I could succeed the next day.