Just When I Thought...

It couldn't get worse... oh yes. What a rough week. Thankfully tomorrow's Friday and today & tomorrow we're doing state testing so I don't actually have to teach. Well, I sort of have to teach tomorrow but it likely won't be my kids and I'm sure they will be rowdy because it'll be the end of two days of testing right before the weekend. Bring it on. Why not.

I can't even remember Monday, that's how long it's felt. This week I started the writing process with my class -- brainstorming, outlining, etc. I thought they'd be more into since at least we're doing personal narrative and what 13 year old doesn't like to talk about him/herself. But they are just so apathetic. They just act so bored in my class. Getting them to answer is like pulling teeth. Even when I call on them, half of the time they just shrug and say nothing, or mumble that they don't know. I tried just staying silent. I lasted over a minute. Damn, tough crowd. Part of it is my fault, my lessons aren't fun enough. But I'm struggling just to make the lessons valid, lined to objective like I'm supposed to. And it's hard to think of how to make it fun without making it too "activity-based" and without compromising the rigor. Monday my problem kid refused to work. I gave her lectures. I threatened to call home. She took me up on it. I've heard that the number they have in the office either doesn't work or they don't have it or it's been disconnected. But she handed me a slip of paper with a phone number on it, which I tried, without luck, not sure who's voicemail I left a message on. So I created a seating chart to try to separate my chatters from each other. Then I've tried to implement a more obvious grading system so that I can SHOW them every day how they're doing in my class and how their participation counts. So far it hasn't made a difference.

Tuesday was terrible. I felt good about my lesson plan but still, it was boring. So they got restless and then they just get completely uncooperative. And I started being meaner, less of the teacher look and more stern warnings. I feel like a bitch. It's so uncomfortable. I hate it. So far there has been no good, redeeming moments to this. Only work. Lots of hard work. I get off the bus and I'm on task from 7am til I sleep. The only time I regularly take off is 30-45 minutes to have dinner and unwind. But it's cafeteria food. The other night I ate such a random mixture and didn't want any of it -- a garden burger w/o the bun, some salad, cocoa puffs, some fruit, a baked potato -- but I barely could eat it because I'm so tired of it. And to top Tuesday off, looking at my kids' in class work, I don't think they learned what I was trying to get them to do -- write a good main point for an essay and make an outline.

And to think that I can have them master an objective in one day absurd to me. Especially with language arts. "Ohh, today we mastered summary! We got it, check!" Right. It's recursive! All this gets built up and built up over time. I just don't like how we have to organize our lessons, so driven by the state objectives, instead of, say, structuring lessons around a book or a theme and teaching all these skills in that context. I mean, I know it's possible to do both, but that is not really emphasized or possible being that I have to write all my lesson plans so last minute. (This morning, I turned in 5 lesson plans, ugh).

So yesterday I tried to revisit Tuesday's lesson in a different way, with some success. However everything went to hell when my problem kid, who I was trying to not pair with someone since she 1) has no work to share, and 2) doesn't work well in pairs, misinterpreted why I was asking her to move (thought I was trying to pair her with another boy) and refused to work or move. Yet proceeding to pass inappropriate notes in class. Anyhow it escalated and it was not fun, pleasant, pretty, or productive. A senior teacher who helped out and took her out to talk later told me that since she hasn't cussed me out, or tried hurt me, herself, or someone else, I must be doing okay. Oh, and that I shouldn't really try to make her do anything because she's got anger issues and the law is probably on her side. So I should just let her sit there in class and ignore her? Maybe that's why she's behind. Maybe that's why she says she can't read well or write well. Because people have listened to her say that and given up on her. Or maybe it's because she refuses to work. And then she sets a bad example for the other kids, I feel, like "hey, if I just act out enough, they won't make me do anything and I'll just get to sit in the back and do what I want." No! I refuse to play that way. Not sure how I'm going to handle this but I refuse to just give up on her.

I feel awful at this. But I've been observed by 3 people who all say that I'm too hard on myself (it has only been 7 teaching days) and that I just need to develop my style and get confidence leading my class. I got my "report card" today and I'm doing about how I thought I was. It's on a scale of pre-novice, novice, beginning proficiency, proficient, advanced, explemplary. I'm on either novice or bp, with my institute goal as being at bp. So not bad news, what I expected, I agreed with my advisor on where I needed to improve: investing my students, delivery...

Here's the bad news: my executive director called me to say that my principal didn't get the funding he expected from the school district so he had to cut some jobs. One of which is mine. He may get the funding needed, he may not. My exec director didn't think we should wait around so they're looking for another placement for me. So I might even get to be in the west valley. When I'd never been down there, I wanted to be in the mid-valley, where more of the population is. But it's like one big strip-mall. The west valley, however, is rural and has all these fields and the place I was going to live is the only peaceful place I've been in weeks. It's on the edge of a field and there are ponds in walking distance and I felt so at peace there and you could see so many stars. And I've made friends with my to-be neighbors, two of whom are from Oregon. And they are the people that I get allow with best here and enjoy the most! It was going to be perfect. I even had housing set up. And now it's all up in the air again. I feel like the last 6 months has just been me losing control over all aspects of my life. I'm tired of that. I'm tired in general.