I Am

I am... feeling there is a beacon of hope. Yesterday was another day of testing, but I actually had to teach because some students were already finished testing. They flipped the schedule around so instead of teaching B block (mid morning), I taught C block (a lunch split period). In the AM, any finished kid was just sent to a room. Then in the PM, they started to go backwards through their real schedule.

I took over a class for about 30 mins that my fellow corps member had been leading -- they were out of control. Literally. They wouldn't stay seated. Two boys and a girl were chasing each other in the classroom and jumping on each other to fight over a note. I had no control over them. I didn't even know their names. They knew and I knew that there was no real consequence for their misbehavior. I just tried to settle them down enough that time passed and they'd go to their real teacher. And then my class came to me for 30mins before lunch & 30mins after lunch.

Like every day, even though it's a testing day, we were supposed to have objective-aligned lesson plans to help us rigorously push our students ahead. Uh-huh. On a Friday afternoon. In the summer. After two day of testing. (Bad Gretchen -- no excuses!!) I negotiated with my kids that they could listen quietly while I read aloud "House on Mango Street" if they took notes or drew about the story, paid attention to the vivid imagery, and answered a few questions verbally. It was SOOOO nice. It was so relaxed and enjoyable. I just got to read to them and then ask a few questions about the character. I had some activities planned but they were zombies and I only had 5 of 9 of them.

My problem kid wasn't there but I saw her when I was on lunch duty. She glared at me. One of my friends decided to go to the girl's circle of friends to chat. Apparently my student told her "you don't know me and I don't know you. Why are you trying to talk to me?" But my friend persisted and talked to the group and mentioned me. They told her they heard I was boring and that I was always on the girl's case. My friend said something like "maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe if the class was behaving, my friend could do more fun things." True. I also knew that my class thinks it's boring. But some things they need to learn, and they aren't fun!

Anyhow, after lunch, my class returned, including my problem girl -- let's call her Mighty (because she does have a lot of strength) and because I don't like referring to her as I have. So Mighty comes in and I decide that we're just going to continue with my read aloud because at least they are quiet and maybe this can be our small way of building more enjoyment for stories and a better rapport. Mighty slumps in her seat and is often sighing or mumbling but she doesn't want to write today.

I keep reading and get toward the end of the class and decide I am going to do one of my activities -- have the class write an "I Am" poem for the main character. Given, I should have been having them discuss the character more as I read, but that's okay. I put up my chart with the poem format; it's 3 stanzas with the main line "I am" repeating at the end of each stanza (you can google "I am poem" and find a format). I tried to get them to talk about Esperanza but they would not. "Okay, fine, let's just write a collaborative poem together then... what should we put for I hear...?" Someone answers, I write it in. "And how about I see?" Someone else answers. I get to I want and Mighty yells out "McDonalds!" which I think in hindsight is a code word for something because she giggles and some other kids giggle (and her next period teacher says Mighty was saying it a lot in her class too). But I indulge her and write McDonalds for I want.

And from then on, Mighty shouts out an answer for every space: I cry at night. I worry that I can't change. I touch my shirt. I am totally surprised but continue on. We finish the poem and the kids are bugging me "Miss, the bell didn't ring but it's time for you to excuse us." I said "but we have to have someone read us our poem, and since Mighty contributed the most, I think she should be the one who gets to read it." She squints and I can't tell if she can't see it or if she glaring so I offer her to come to the front and read it. She struts up to the front... and starts to read it aloud. "Nice and loud and proud," I tell her. And she reads it! She actually reads it! She had her arms tucked into her polo shirt most of the time (most of them do even when I turn off the a/c). And when she finishes, I said great job and hold out my hand for a high five.... And she slips one arm out the bottom of the shirt and high fives me!

It is something so small. But it made my entire week and gives me hope that I will be able to make at least a small impact. And then in her next block, I hear that Mighty was participating and even went up and wrote on the board (her math teacher, who she actually likes, took the period to talk about anger and hard work and life lessons, etc, she didn't follow her objective-aligned lesson plan either it seems). And I'd like to think that her better attitude from my class going well moved over to her next block too. And even though I felt guilty for not asking much of them yesterday, and for feeling like I could have made the time more educationally valuable, there's something to be said for a day in the summer when you're in summer school and someone will just read you a story and let you be kids and put your head down on the desk and listen and try to feel a sense of peace. I know that's what I want, a sense of peace.

And I realize that I've been nervous about working with Mighty. But she's just a kid. She's just a hurt, angry, upset kid. And I don't think I've treated her that way. I struggle with feeling that I should hold them to high standards and feeling uncertain how that looks. But I know I need to be kinder, more complimentary, more positive. For all of our sakes.

And as far as my own life, I'm feeling more resolved about my placement. It will be what it will be. My stressing over it does not help. I put it out there that I'd still like to be in the west valley. Mainly for the same reason that if I live out on the lane, I can step out my door and see fields, quiet peaceful beautiful fields, and feel at peace with my surroundings. I'll envision it being so. And otherwise, I'll learn, like I've said I wanted to learn, how to take what comes, how to set back and recognize my locus of control, how to not stress so much about the future and trust that it will work out well and that whatever happens I will take it in stride.

I really wanted something good to happen to me this week, I told Mom on the phone. I feel like there hasn't been a redeeming moment or a hopeful moment since I've been here. And my high five with Mighty, that's pretty small, and I hope that I have more and bigger redeeming moments. But if that's what it is, if that's the thing I was asking for, I'll take it with a smile and use it as a stepping stone to something bigger.

And today, here is my own I am poem:

I am hopeful and resilient
I wonder what the future holds but I do not stress about it
I hear that it gets better
I see that the little signs matter
I want to feel something special happen
I am hopeful and resilient

I pretend to be confident until I am confident (fake it til I make it)
I feel a power growing in me to take control
I touch my scars to remember where I've been
I worry that I won't be enough
I cry from frustration and loneliness
I am hopeful and resilient

I understand it takes time
I say I believe in them, now I actually need to believe in them
I dream of my stronger self
I try each day to stay strong enough to get there
I hope my efforts are felt positively
I am hopeful and resilient