One Day at a Time

Today was better. Even after only 3 hours of sleep. But it was worth it to feel that I had a really solid, hopefully engaging, hopefully challenging lesson plan. And I went in feeling much more calm (could've just been the exhaustion). Plus my angry kid wasn't there today. Not sure if she'll be back or not. And I had two new additions to my classroom, two girls whose San Diego Quick Assessment had them reading words at a pre-primary level. I asked one girl her name and she just shook her head and only answered when I asked in Spanish. The entire class time the two girls looked completely lost. I'm not allowed, or able, to teach in Spanish. And it's been suggested that I just try to use a lot of visuals for them and that they can hopefully pick stuff up.

I just don't know how to 1) break this stuff down to a level I can teach without assuming they know things that then I realize they don't know, 2) engage them in fun but meaningful activities, 3) help them learn this, 4) differentiate their learning. I don't have time to do the quality of investigation and professional development that I need. Even though today went well, I nearly fell asleep all afternoon and have not been productive at all this evening. It's 11pm and I still don't have my lesson plan done for tomorrow. Plus I have to turn in drafts of my Mon-Wed lesson plans and we just got a reminder from our CMA today that we need to be turning in finished plans, not just half-ass drafts. These kids, I feel for them. I feel like the message I'm getting is that they really don't matter that much. That regardless of the fact that I don't know what I'm doing half the time that these kids will learn something. Fuck. What do I do? What do I do with them for 80 minutes? How do I get them interested in summary? Or brainstorming? Or finding textual evidence?

I am tired. If I could only have more time. I feel uncreative. I'm terrified of going in there unprepared like yesterday. I want to feel like I did today. But my lesson plan for tomorrow is harder. I want to do more writing so I have a better idea of where they are, and more reading comprehension but I've never taught reading. I understand the concepts. I'm just not sure how to set it up and lead it in the class. Plus I don't know their reading levels so I don't know what kind of texts to pick out. I'm tired. I wish I could just have a day off.

I'm sorry that I'm not in touch with you. It's so hard. It's hard to think of even trying to have a conversation with people who are not in this because this is so hard and stressful and humbling and frustrating and crippling and such a struggle. I love you. I'm sorry. I think about you too. I thank you for your thoughts and messages. I will try to get in touch with you soon.